Treat of the Week!

I've been working hard at getting control of my health/weight since I came home, and on top of some weight training and running/walking I've also been eating better than I probably ever have. I still see myself as the size I was for Barbara's wedding, but it is crazy for me to think of all the friends I've made since I gained all this weight (specifically, two bid classes of zeta sisters and Ryan. Even Kayse and Mitch and I weren't all that close, but I like to think they remember me as I was the first week we had classes together instead of 30 pounds later).

Anyway, I've cut way back on carbs (really hard when you're also starting a running routine) and most snacking. I eat almonds now! I can do a plank for over a minute! I drink green tea!

So today, I decided to indulge in my sweet tooth, and made some sugar-free meringue cookies. I know there's some controversy over how "natural" stevia and truvia are, but they don't have the nasty chemicals in splenda and other sweetners, and you don't need nearly as much of it compared to if you used sugar.

The Recipe:
3 egg whites (whip them before adding the rest of the ingredients)
1/4 tsp cream of tartar
2 tbsp truvia
1/4 tsp vanilla extract

bake at 215 degrees for 55 minutes, then leave them in the oven for another 20 minutes (but turn the heat off)

Then you get these:

They're a little too dry, and actually I think they could use less truvia and more vanilla. Making them bigger probably would have helped with that. Next time I probably would put some fun food coloring in them too, but for the first time I wanted to follow the recipe exactly. I have two pans of this, and eating the whole batch is less than 100 calories, so it's something to munch on that is almost nothing in my calorie defecit.

In Pursuit of Adulthood

I just finished Mindy Kaling's autobiography, and in it she made a list of things that, to her, make the difference between a boy and a man. I kind of loved it. Some of it was superficial, sure, and I don't agree with all of it, but I get where she's coming from. So I decided to make a list of some of the things I'd like to accomplish, that would maybe make me feel like more of an adult.

1. Own a car. Or, live in a city where I don't need one. Either way, be committed to a form of transportation that doesn't include borrowing from my parents.

2. Spend the extra cash on quality clothes. Stores of my youth, I'm sorry, but I've out grown you. Goodbye Forever 21, hello New York and Co. Tagged onto this, it's time to be more intentional in my style choices. I've finally learned how to use statement necklaces, and it is life-changing.

3. Learn what kind of wine goes with what kind of food. And what type of wine is which (red? white? dry? I just know I like chardonnay). What's the difference between good champagne and bad champagne?

4. Figure out how to find new doctors, work out the insurance, and make an appointment. This should be easy in theory, but it continues to stump me in practice.

5. Create more, consume less. Instead of spending 5 hours a week on pinterest looking at crafts, I need to spend that time actually making the crafts. This week I learned how to make hair bows, and they are awesome.

6. Buy a nice coat. Something that will be timeless and age well, but isn't the same LL Bean coat my mom always picks out.

7. Get a better understanding of nutrition. Really, I fail at this. Not only am I a picky eater, but I really don't have any grasp of biology. Almonds are good, except they have fat, but it's good fat, but there's salt... you need carbs for energy but they also make you fat... fruit. fruit is safe, right? I'll just always eat fruit.

8. Find a signature scent, and wear it appropriately. That means no more Walmart brand knock-offs (I think part of this is just my desire to have a job where I can afford this small luxury).

9. Stay committed enough to consumption of new media that I'm always able to recommend a new book, movie, or tv show. And then be able to articulate why I recommend it. This means I can't just rewatch episodes of HIMYM when I don't know what else to try.

10. Learn to make 3 different fancy meals, and 2 great side dishes to bring to potlucks. I've been working on my Salmon game, but as someone that doesn't really eat side dishes... I struggle. One website suggested I should be able to feed myself for a week with no help, and that is definitely a goal to work on.

Happy Birthday, William Faulkner!

“In a strange room you must empty yourself for sleep. And before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are emptied for sleep you are not. And when you are filled with sleep, you never were. I don't know what I am. I don't know if I am or not.” (As I Lay Dying) 

I'd like to thank...

Yesterday I had to have blood taken for my life insurance physical (after my parents promised there would be no needles), which presented me with 3 very important problems:
1. I am home alone with my dog, who hates strangers and will be a huge pain,
2. I pass out when I have my blood drawn,
3. I will be unconscious in my house by myself and my angry dog

At the last minute my brother agreed to drive up from school so he could sit with me, but he came to the house so late at night that by 9am when the nurse was here he was still in bed. Luckily, my grandmother also came, so she could hold my hand and Shakespeare could be locked in Harrison's room. And then the craziest thing happened-

I didn't pass out!

I have been passing out from shots since I was in middle school. My PCP used to take me to a different facility next door, one that usually just did blood tests, so she could put me in the big fancy chair just to give me a shot. As time went on by about senior year I was able to manage a shot while sitting down without getting too pale, and then through college I started watching my grandfather give himself his insulin. The first few times were rough, but now I consider myself mostly capable to handle vaccines like a mature 6th grader that can drive herself to the doctor. The exception to all this being a rabies shot, which is the cause of my white coat syndrome and the reason why I am afraid of adorable fluffy skunks. If I am ever bit by a wild animal, I will go into the woods and die before getting that shot.

My first blood draw was in college, I think, and we all pretty much assumed that just because I could take a shot now didn't mean this was fair game. The nice part of having such a good PCP is that they remember you and usually do their best to make you feel safe (ie, keep you from hitting your head and have the smelling salts ready). Then I had to do it at the college health center, but since I was in and out of there so often it felt like having an aunt do it (something not unusual for me, since my aunt is a nurse and has given me shots before). Never have I ever had someone miss my vein or dig around or do any of the horrible stuff of nightmares people warn me about, but even thinking about it makes me feel ill.

So when the lady doing my physical yesterday told me that she used to be just like me, I was skeptical. She said she used to pass out from needles, but when her mom got sick she was so tired of seeing her with black and blue arms, this woman decided she could do a better job and became a nurse. This is a story I love. She also promised that if she didn't get it right the first time, she would take the needle out and try again instead of digging. This and the combination of being in my own house while my grandmother was there with me somehow kept the blood in my head, and I was awake through the whole thing.

This post has gotten longer than I anticipated, but there are some people I would like to thank for this momentous occasion:

I would like to thank my cousin Patrick, who makes me look like a sissy while always being supportive of my minor triumphs. I'm pretty sure people specifically didn't tell me what the tests he had to do were because I would have passed out just hearing about them, and meanwhile, I can remember him being proud of me for learning to swallow an allergy pill. Patrick is the bravest person I know.

I would like to thank my other cousin Barbara, for inspiring me after managing to do her own blood tests without passing out a few days before (this is definitely a family trait).

I would like to thank my grandmother for skipping quilting to come hold my hand, and my brother for coming to my rescue and then taking me to brunch afterwards.

And I would like to thank John Wayne, whose wisdom about courage has been inspiring my medical management since my wisdom teeth extraction.

Edith Sitwell

"I am not eccentric. It's just that I am more alive than most people. I am an unpopular electric eel set in a pond of catfish."

Star Wars

It is my dark and shameful secret: I have never seen all of Star Wars. So starting with IV (because I have it on good authority I have to start in order of their release), I will finally earn the right to use the pop culture references I've only half-understood all these years.

This is the original trailer from 1977, and really, I can't understand why I wasn't more eager to watch these:

"The story of a boy, a girl, and a universe. It's a big sprawling space saga of rebellion and romance."

REBELLION and ROMANCE? Tell me more, George Lucas! A sprawling space saga? I can hardly wait to get to find out how it all ends!

Multi-tasking vs. Actually Getting Things Done

I made a pact to give up all the unnecessary multi-tasking cluttering my life, and after a week I am thinking more clearly and have a level of focus I haven't matched since I was waitressing. I didn't intend for it to be a metaphor, but after writing half of this post and going back I think I can simplify it if I stick to it. Too late now.

Our brains are not wired to multitask. When we think we're multitasking, we're actually just constantly shifting in and out of focus in our different tasks. So when you talk on the phone and drive, you're never giving full attention to the road or the person you're speaking with. When you're on facebook and trying to write a blog, you end up spending twice as much time as if you just did one at a time.

So, the waitressing metaphor. A good waitress is one that can prioritize her time; she knows that getting the drinks on the way to the next table makes sense, and that having the check for the table after that will save her a trip. She plans ahead and works task by task. She isn't working several tables at once, and if she tried, she wouldn't be as efficient-- instead, she's mentally listing everything she needs to do, and then completing each task before moving on to the next one.

It's a hard habit to break. Someone posts a link on facebook that you want to follow, so you read the link and then return to facebook, while listening to your brother talk on the radio, and text a friend back...it's nonsense! It's tempting to try and get more done at once, and it's true that there are certain tasks that match better than others (I can still knit when I'm watching tv, and I'll never give up my audiobooks while I'm out for a walk), but it so worth it to decide you're giving your full attention to whatever it is you're doing right now.

Learning to prioritize and do one task at a time helps clear your brain, and it is much easier to be creative when you can think clearly and focus on what you want to create. Hopefully, this little change in habit will help improve other parts of my life.

Why I'm Thankful for my Professors

During this time of awkward transitions and excessive free time, I started taking some of the free classes available on iTunes and coursera. If you haven't checked them out, I would suggest it. They aren't all winners, but some of them have really great material. Plus, free education is a beautiful thing.

There are two kinds of classes; some were intentionally made for the internet, so there are podcasts and pdf documents and the lectures are thoughtful and concise. These are the winners, and represent a great group of people who just sincerely love what they teach and want more people to access information about it. The other style is more voyeuristic, like someone brought a video camera to class and you can watch the recorded lecture. There aren't any supplemental readings, and often they don't bother to include information on what textbooks they're using. You can guess which style I prefer.

The first "day" of each class can be dull. It's syllabus day without a syllabus, without people in the class, and without interacting with the professor. Still, this first lecture is the most important when it comes to choosing what class to keep and which to delete, because it answers the question:

Does this professor want to talk about himself, or about the class?

I didn't sign up to hear about how an old man earned his Doctorate, or be impressed by all the research he's done, or fangirl over what he's published. We have not yet established any relationship or built a community, but this person has already made every point to prove he is the smartest person in the room and we are all just lucky to hear him speak. These are real schools, where people are paying plenty of money to be there (this style is most popular in the Ivy Leagues, I've noticed) and class time is wasted on a prof stroking his own ego.

Luckily, I already have my degree and I can just delete these annoying professors and move on. But luckier still-- I never had this experience in undergrad. My professors were enthusiastic about knowledge, not themselves. They were plenty impressive, with authors and editors from different mediums. But the only time they discussed their accomplishments was when it was an example of how we (the students) could find our own success. 

I am thankful for the English department that became my home: to Jeff, whose class I would have taken 3 more times even though it caused more stress than any other class I had taken; to Garriga, who corrupted all of us into thinking past what was "normal" and encouraged discovery (is anyone surprised that my tattoo commemorating my time as an english major came from his class?); to Dr. Boe, who taught me to love research, something I thought was impossible; and Dr. Kohn, who had the most infectious enthusiasm for her classes it was impossible not to love being there. 

I feel the same way about the communications department, where my professors were serious about their work without taking themselves too seriously. My freshman year, in my first communications class, I was told to call my professor by her first name because "she got the doctorate for herself, not for anyone else." While I respect the title, it perfectly sums up my experience at BW.

Maybe I'm feeling nostalgic, and if I were back I would remember the late nights and early mornings filled with reading or the frustration of a 5 page essay that was supposed to be 7. But I don't miss undergrad for the campus life, or the parties, or getting a student discount everywhere. I miss those individuals that made me a smarter, more thoughtful person. I miss the opportunity to be around such impressive people that were willing to put forth the effort so that someday, I might be impressive too.

Non-Consent, the internet, and my rage

Everyone knows about the leaked celeb photos by now, and if you aren't disgusted by their presence, you should be. If you aren't disgusted by the people sharing them and praising them, you should be. If you aren't disgusted by the people saying "well, they shouldn't have taken any in the first place," you should be.

1. I wish everyone that had tweeted or commented something like "thank god for the person who leaked JLaw's photos" had their tweets autocorrected to add "non-consensual." It's 2014, can we all agree that's a gross word? As funny as you think you are, including non-consent (which is what this is) makes it a little more real, and that's how I read them. I saw one comedian I follow suggest that everyone who tweets about it should have to read those tweets out loud at their wedding. I don't hate that idea either.

2. "well, why did she take any in the first place?" I have two separate responses to this, based on who is asking. If you're the 15 year old boy that's angry you're being made to feel guilty about consuming women with your gross feelings of entitlement, I ask- "That means you'll stop asking, right? If women are so stupid for having naked photos, I assume that means you'll stop nagging for them and understand why we say no." If you're an older person who still hasn't figured out victim blaming, let's just simplify this to a privacy issue and recognize we will never agree on an issue about women and their right to their bodies or sexuality. But where do you keep your tax documents if you file online? That's right, you save them on your computer. Are you asking for the world to see those files because of it?

Now, because the internet is a deeply scary and ugly place and I can no longer read the comment sections regarding any of this, I bring you some safe comments that give me a little hope.

From my friend Kayse (reading Gone Girl will make the point even more poignant:)

I hate the fact that people are like "she'll probably just make a joke about it and laugh it off like she always does," like that makes the whole think excusable. Read: cool girls don't get mad about sexual harassment.

From Laci Green (video blogger, sex educator):

a "leaked nude" is a NON-CONSENSUAL form of sexual violation and ANYBODY who participates by viewing and sharing is part of the problem.

women's bodies are NOT public property. we are human beings and we do not exist for other people's sexual pleasure without our consent. anybody with an ounce of empathy should be horrified and disgusted by this.

From Lena Dunham's twitter:

Seriously, do not forget that the person who stole these pictures and leaked them is not a hacker: they're a sex offender. 

I don't want to talk too much about this and give it more publicity, but this is also an example of how backwards our culture still is and how much more needs to be done. You can also read this blog post that shares my feelings.