Sylvia Plath on writing...

"And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt."

More happy days??

I put a few on my instagram, but it's not working again... I'm not even keeping track of days anymore, so for the time being, here are some things making me happy:

19(?) People that are brave enough to reach out. I have a friend who I had two classes with in my four years at BW-- not even really a friend, more like an acquaintance. But he is the best at reminding a person they are important and loved and valued.  People like to talk about mental-health awareness, especially on the heels of a celebrity suicide, but the real heroes are quietly sending affirmations without the confidence of knowing when it's needed. I love that.

20) Melissa Adzima- Have you ever met a person that just shines with positive energy? Melissa is inspiring in a way that I can only compare to my roommate Becca Wagner. You simply cannot have a bad attitude around her. It's another example of someone who has only played a minor role in my life, while still making a huge impact in the short time she is around. At camp, she brought me a flashlight and a lollipop when I was homesick. She was my role-model at church (her mom eventually ended up being my confirmation sponsor, something I am still so grateful for). She taught me everything I know about being a bridesmaid, and then how to go to that bride's baby shower years later. I think what I find most special about Melissa is how effortless she makes it seem when she brings out the best in people. I have been to hours of workshops, and orientations, and motivational speakers, but I think an hour with Melissa is worth more than all of that combined.

21) Getting to be home for Nick and Barbara's baby shower- it is endlessly frustrating to me that I can't be more useful to her, and there were more than a few nights in Holland that I got weepy about having to miss out on my new baby (2nd) cousin. A baby shower isn't the week in Seattle I wish I could afford, but I am still so grateful to get to have been there. I am determined to be as connected as possible with the newest member of my family, and I've already got a list of ideas on how to make a long-distance-relationship work with an infant. My Aunt Joanna and my cousin Patrick were my pen pals when I was younger, and I still have most of those letters and know they made a huge difference in my relationships with them. Barbara and Nick have worked their butts off to stay connected with everyone, and I am really excited to potentially be adult enough to visit them (and my cousin Thomas in LA!) and start taking more responsibility to stay connected. 

22) Spending time with my baby cousin, Liam, who is starting his first day of Kindergarten tomorrow! He has gotten much chattier with age, and we had a nice time at dinner where we discussed the finer things in life (trains, "the numbers game on my phone" aka 2048, and his feelings on clowns). I get sad that he will have such a different experience with cousins compared to the rest of us, who are all so close in age, and so I want to be the most fun cousin I can be. Sometimes, that means spending all dinner checking my bodyfit band every 5 minutes to see how many steps I've taken, and I love it. That boy makes me laugh. 

Behind on my #100happydays

For whatever reason, my instagram has not been working and I've fallen behind on my 100 happy days (and I've had zero motivation for blogging, so maybe we'll kill two birds with one stone).

14. Seeing Guardians of the Galaxy- Everyone kept telling me that this was going to be the best Marvel movie ever, and I originally had no interest in seeing it, so clearly something was going on that I missed. I think I was probably a victim to expectations, because while I liked it I didn't think it was any better than any other Marvel movie. I got to take my grandfather though, which was a nice bonus, and I think I've convinced him to watch Firefly as a result (because really, the best thing about GotG is that everyone is talking about Firefly again).

15. Getting my bodyfit band back together- I have a cheap version of a fitbit, but it does all the same things while being a sporty pink. I hadn't unpacked it from when I came home from college, but now that my life is all a big question I decided to start taking some of that stuff out (normally I just have a box of desk stuff that gets put in a corner, box of craft stuff, etc). Now I can keep track of my steps again!

16. Going shopping with mom- I had this awful moment of clarity when I realized that most everyone has a partner; a best friend, a boyfriend, a roommate, something. Even if it isn't someone you're enamored with, it's the person that you talk to instead of talking to yourself sometimes. I have my mother. Franklin is pretty sparse, my friends are all off to college or work, and it is pretty heartwrenchingly lonely. But then, I realized I was the luckiest unemployed lonely college grad in the world-- because Becky Greene is a pretty spectacular companion. Yesterday we went shopping for interview outfits, and went out to eat, and although I go days at a time seeing ONLY her (sure, Dad's around for a few hours at night, but mom and I are spending the majority of our time just us) I could not wish for better company. There is no one who will tolerate everything about you for weeks without break the way your mother can.

So, in short, I love going to the movies, walking is good for you, and hug your mother.

Brenna Twohy; When Pornography meets Harry Potter

"Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them"

Keeping up with Ferguson

If what is happening there doesn't scare you, you aren't paying attention. 

And on mistakes... HIMYM 1x21

Ted: No, it's not an adventure, it's a mistake!

Lily: OK, yes it's a mistake. I know it's a mistake, but there are certain things in life where you know it's a mistake but you don't really know it's a mistake because the only way to really know it's a mistake is to make the mistake and look back and say 'yep, that was a mistake.' So really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake, because then you'd go your whole life not knowing if something is a mistake or not. And dammit, I've made no mistakes! I've done all of this; my life, my relationship, my career, mistake-free.

Quote of the Week; Thanks, Ellen.

“When you take risks you learn that there will be times when you succeed and there will be times when you fail, and both are equally important.” - Ellen DeGeneres

On Public Health Issues, and an "us" Problem

I'm still deep in the job applying process, so I don't have a lot of time to elaborate on my thoughts, but luckily John Green mostly says everything I wanted to! If you have four minutes to watch this, you should. 

Job Hunting

Now that I'm home and the jet lag is coming to its end, I've been spending a lot of time with the job hunting process. On one hand, it's kind of fun to look at all the opportunities out there, but I haven't had so little direction in my life since I was 4, so that's a little terrifying. The general thought process during these job hunts goes a little something like this:

1. Wow, I look so trendy in this coffee shop with my trendy coffee and cute outfit. Who wouldn't hire me?
2. Apparently, every business on the list that thinks "entry-level" means "5 years of experience."
3. That's ok, I had a really good job at University Relations. That counts.
4. And hey, I even have writing samples I can use!
5. This job looks perfect! I am made for this job! It is for me!
6. But wait, what if they don't ask for writing samples? It isn't clear. And which do I send?
7. That's ok, I just spent all day making my resume look awesome. They'll just be impressed reading it.
8. But there's more to me than my resume! How do I show them?
9. Right, the cover letter! Thank god, a second chance to explain myself.
10. I don't want to write a cover letter though. I hate writing cover letters. Am I bragging too much? Not enough? Do I sound fun and unique but not weird and unprofessional?
11. Maybe I'll just keep looking at other jobs. They probably already filled the position. I'm not qualified enough, and I'm just fooling myself.
12. Wait, that's a good idea. I can just make a list of places to apply to, and then I'll write all the cover letters at the same time.
12. Repeat numbers 5-11.


Occasionally the process gets interrupted while I scour Craigslist to look at prices of apartments in the areas I look at, but otherwise, this has been my life the past three days. Neither the tranquil Latin American coffee shop playlist or the fancy tea can keep me from damaging my calm after a few hours of this. It's like initiation into the grown-up world, and it's only just started, but I will find my way.

Positive Thinking

I'm starting the 100 days of Happiness thing on my instagram today. Normally I make fun of that type of trendy nonsense-- Becca and I at one point agreed that the only people that work so hard to prove that they are happy are people that are probably not actually happy.

But that's the thing. I'm exhausted from last month, I'm discouraged, and there has been a lot of negativity in my attitude (and social media) this past month. It's time to actively pursue happiness, and I was invited to do this my cousin and one of her friends. I am unhappy, and I am going to be more mindful of things that make me happy and I am going to unabashedly put it on my social media.

I also want to avoid some online negativity that I get sucked in. I feel like I constantly have people posting links on my newsfeed of "20 Engagement Photos that are a Disaster" or "You won't believe how stupid these 33 people are" or "15 Couples that are really Ugly." How about we stop with the judging? I don't want to connect with my friends by laughing at other people. I want to connect by hearing stories, or learning something new, or sharing joy. So along with my 100 days of happiness challenge, I'm also going to resist the temptation to follow any link that isn't positive or thoughtful or informational. I don't need that junk in my life.

So instead of 100 days of posting things that make me happy, I'm going to have 100 days of positive thinking. 100 Days of avoiding unnecessary negativity. 100 days of ignoring ugliness. 100 days of connecting to people in the important ways.

I believe in creating your change.

Some Thank Yous

I'm home! I have no sense of time or when it is appropriate to eat what meal, but I am sitting in my bed with my dog and I could not be happier.

I want to get some thank yous out of the way for the many many people that helped me get through one of the most difficult months of my life;

Thank you to my family, for taking some of my burden from me and letting me vent/mope to them, especially my parents, my grandmothers, Aunt Joanna and Aunt Lori, Barbara, and Casey.

Thank you to the family that sent encouraging notes to remind me I was not a failure for coming home, most especially my cousins Ben and Patrick and my grandfather.

Thank you to my sisters that did a little of both, and also made a point to send me emails regularly to keep me connected, with special shout outs to my big (who I'm actually convinced shares a psychic connection to me), my littles, both of my roommates, Maggie, and Emmy (who reminded me I am still a fairy godmother and have shit to get together).

Thank you to my amazing friends, because they were so tolerant of my negative energy and did a great job ignoring me when I got weird. English majors, Burt, Alec, and Romo, you all rock.

Thank you to all my church family who prayed for me and offered support; these are the times I find strength in my faith and the community it brought me.

Thank you to everyone else who sent facebook messages, who read this blog, or sent me positive energy-- special shout out to Carrie, my yearbook advisor, who sent me the sweetest welcome home package with the nicest note.

I learned a lot of things about myself in this experience, but I also learned a lot about the people who love me and how unconditional that love is. I am so sincerely grateful to all of you for giving me your strength and support, and I can't wait to see you to thank you in person.

Dutch song for your Ears

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=MZRw9NiVUuM

I know you actually have to follow the link since I can't embed videos from my iPad, but this is my new favorite Dutch song and it's worth looking up the lyrics translation. I went on a serious adventure trying to find a used cd store that would sell me his old cd (that has thing song on it) so I hope everyone enjoys it. 

In the meantime, I finished my last day of work!! Tomorrow I'm missing pride weekend in Amsterdam, which is a huge bummer, but I need to pack and clean out my room so it is what it is. I also don't have any money, which makes public transportation kind of tricky. I can not even begin to explain how amazing I feel about the prospect of spending tomorrow morning in bed (I usually wake up every hour through the night, and then around 6am I wake up for good) watching British TLC and not having to be responsible for anyone but myself. I might actually sleep the whole night since I won't be anxious about waking up. I could sleep until 8, who knows? I don't want to get too crazy, but anything could happen.