Take Your Time

I believe in forgiving everyone.

Lost in Translation

Being both an English minor and Communications major, I love finding things like these. I stumbled on a website of these, check it out: 

Here are my top ten words, compiled from online collections, to describe love, desire and relationships that have no real English translation, but that capture subtle realities that even we English speakers have felt once or twice. As I came across these words I’d have the occasional epiphany: “Oh yeah! That’s what I was feeling...” 

Mamihlapinatapei (Yagan, an indigenous language of Tierra del Fuego): The wordless yet meaningful look shared by two people who desire to initiate something, but are both reluctant to start. 

Oh yes, this is an exquisite word, compressing a thrilling and scary relationship moment. It’s that delicious, cusp-y moment of imminent seduction. Neither of you has mustered the courage to make a move, yet. Hands haven’t been placed on knees; you’ve not kissed. But you’ve both conveyed enough to know that it willhappen soon… very soon.

Yuanfen (Chinese): A relationship by fate or destiny. This is a complex concept. It draws on principles of predetermination in Chinese culture, which dictate relationships, encounters and affinities, mostly among lovers and friends.

From what I glean, in common usage yuanfen means the "binding force" that links two people together in any relationship. 

But interestingly, “fate” isn’t the same thing as “destiny.” Even if lovers are fated to find each other they may not end up together. The proverb, “have fate without destiny,” describes couples who meet, but who don’t stay together, for whatever reason. It’s interesting, to distinguish in love between the fated and the destined. Romantic comedies, of course, confound the two.

Cafuné (Brazilian Portuguese): The act of tenderly running your fingers through someone's hair.

Retrouvailles (French):  The happiness of meeting again after a long time. 

This is such a basic concept, and so familiar to the growing ranks of commuter relationships, or to a relationship of lovers, who see each other only periodically for intense bursts of pleasure. I’m surprised we don’t have any equivalent word for this subset of relationship bliss. It’s a handy one for modern life.

Ilunga (Bantu): A person who is willing to forgive abuse the first time; tolerate it the second time, but never a third time.

Apparently, in 2004, this word won the award as the world’s most difficult to translate. Although at first, I thought it did have a clear phrase equivalent in English: It’s the “three strikes and you’re out” policy. But ilunga conveys a subtler concept, because the feelings are different with each “strike.” The word elegantly conveys the progression toward intolerance, and the different shades of emotion that we feel at each stop along the way.

Ilunga captures what I’ve described as the shade of gray complexity in marriages—Not abusive marriages, but marriages that involve infidelity, for example.  We’ve got tolerance, within reason, and we’ve got gradations of tolerance, and for different reasons. And then, we have our limit. The English language to describe this state of limits and tolerance flattens out the complexity into black and white, or binary code. You put up with it, or you don’t.  You “stick it out,” or not.

Ilunga restores the gray scale, where many of us at least occasionally find ourselves in relationships, trying to love imperfect people who’ve failed us and whom we ourselves have failed.

La Douleur Exquise (French): The heart-wrenching pain of wanting someone you can’t have.

When I came across this word I thought of “unrequited” love. It’s not quite the same, though. “Unrequited love” describes a relationship state, but not a state of mind. Unrequited love encompasses the lover who isn’t reciprocating, as well as the lover who desires. La douleur exquise gets at the emotional heartache, specifically, of being the one whose love is unreciprocated.

Koi No Yokan (Japanese): The sense upon first meeting a person that the two of you are going to fall into love. 

This is different than “love at first sight,” since it implies that you might have a sense of imminent love, somewhere down the road, without yet feeling it. The term captures the intimation of inevitable love in the future, rather than the instant attraction implied by love at first sight.

Ya’aburnee (Arabic): “You bury me.” It’s a declaration of one’s hope that they’ll die before another person, because of how difficult it would be to live without them.

The online dictionary that lists this word calls it “morbid and beautiful.” It’s the “How Could I Live Without You?” slickly insincere cliché of dating, polished into a more earnest, poetic term.  

Forelsket: (Norwegian):  The euphoria you experience when you’re first falling in love.

This is a wonderful term for that blissful state, when all your senses are acute for the beloved, the pins and needles thrill of the novelty. There’s a phrase in English for this, but it’s clunky. It’s “New Relationship Energy,” or NRE.

  

Saudade (Portuguese): The feeling of longing for someone that you love and is lost. Another linguist describes it as a "vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist."

It’s interesting that saudade accommodates in one word the haunting desire for a lost love, or for an imaginary, impossible, never-to-be-experienced love. Whether the object has been lost or will never exist, it feels the same to the seeker, and leaves her in the same place:  She has a desire with no future. Saudade doesn’t distinguish between a ghost, and a fantasy. Nor do our broken hearts, much of the time.


I believe in finding the right words.

Best Friends

This is my best friend, maggles. She always has my back. No matter what.

So when I get sad and weepy, even though we can't always get to each other, she comes through anyway. We've turned into email best friends, instead of best friends who get to be around each other all the time, but that's just how life goes sometimes.

No one can tell me to put on my big girl pants and stop being so fucking sad because I am an awesome person, quite like my best friend can.

well, I guess one other person. Burt's usually pretty good with that, too. So maybe I'll dedicate a blog out to him sometime soon. But right now, it's Maggie that found me and pushed me back up.

I believe in support systems.

Augusten Burroughs

...my new obsession. I just finished Running with Scissors (although this is a quote from a different book; they're all just so good and twisted and clever, but most importantly, quotable.)

“I'm lonely. And I'm lonely in some horribly deep way and for a flash of an instant, I can see just how lonely, and how deep this feeling runs. And it scares the shit out of me to be this lonely because it seems catastrophic.”

I believe I can overcome September.

Update

I am so, so happy. I feel like finally, things are becoming how I want them to be, and I am grateful for that. I appreciate the hard work it took to get to this moment, right now.

Things that are making me happy:
1. That so many of my friends, in a desperate act to bring my mood up when it starts to falter, have been posting Manatee-esque pictures/comments on my facebook wall. This one is my absolute favorite:

2. Finally being honest with myself in what I want- this is important, and probably most important.

3. Getting to spend time with people I haven't seen in forever, and catching up on their lives. I like getting reconnected, and it's fun to see how different people have changed. Although I still am not really ready for my friends to be getting married, happy as I am for them. 

4. Barbara and Nick (not my peer group, so not scary) are getting married! I'm excited for them, I'm excited to be a bridesmaid, I'm excited for all of it. 

5.  I am going back to Cleveland soon! In some ways, it's a little bittersweet to be leaving Franklin right now, but I'm ready to see my friends and get into my apartment. I want to go do things again. I know that's vague and ambiguous- but when I came home from Europe, I promised myself I would continue to live in the way I did there- consciously searching out life, rather than sitting at home on facebook. I've gotten much better with my facebook addiction (thank you google chrome, for stayfocusd), and I finally feel like I live in the real worl again. The trouble is, there is just so much more world in Cleveland! I'm not creative enough to think of fun things to do in Franklin anymore, but Cleveland makes it easy on me. 

Working for It

I believe happiness- true, unmotivated by anything but your own feelings, want to just thank the sun for shining today happiness- is something you have to work for.

I have my own hurdles that make it sometimes a little harder than it should be. But I also have a lot more extra help than some people do. And for that, I'm thankful.

For once, I think I know what I need to do. I know that it won't be easy, and that it will hurt sometimes. But I'm realizing, finally, that there is a difference between being happy, and not being unhappy. That there is long term happiness, and short term pleasure, and that sometimes you have to give up that pleasure for the happiness. But it will be worth it.

CS Lewis says it this way:

"We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.” 

And yes, he's referring more about the difference between heaven and earth, but I think it still applies to what I'm doing right now. I can't imagine how happy I could be, but I need to trust that it will be better and that it will be worth it.

It's time to take responsibility for my life, and to push it where I want it to go. To forgive myself, and move on. To allow myself to be me, and not feel like I constantly need to apologize.

Does this sound like a middle school myspace post? Maybe. Maybe it just took me longer to finally figured out what all this really entailed, that it wasn't just something you said, but something you lived and meant.

But I believe in working towards happiness.

Money

Growing up, almost all of my friends had more money than me. Not because we were left for want- we had plenty. I have my own bedroom, we had a pool, always went on a family vacation. But I hung out with the doctors and lawyers' kids, and so in comparison, I wasn't as well off. 

When I got to high school, that dynamic changed a little. I made my own money, and I picked and chose what to spend it on. So maybe I didn't have a car, but I did have a nice laptop. Stuff like that. But I never had NOTHING. Even with the friends who had more with me, I never felt completely left out. Maybe I couldn't go on weekend adventures, but I could at least go to the movies.

Now, not so much.

This summer it's finally hitting me how incredibly in debt I am. I am that girl that won't come over because she can't afford the gas. I'm the girl with the shitty present at the party, because all I could do was make something homemade. That's where I have the most shame- when I feel like I've been slacking, and everyone else is looking at me like I didn't try hard enough. I know I shouldn't care. But I also am finally learning what the look is, the one that means "oh, you couldn't afford to do this right, could you?". I'm the girl that pays in change she found in her car, or just sits at home and blogs while the rest of her friends are out getting ice cream.

I'm working two jobs this summer. Next semester, I have two jobs and an internship. I have a few scholarships. I live on campus, and when I don't, I live with my parents. I think that's what is most frustrating-  that I am trying, so desperately, to keep up- and I just can't.

Something is going to have to drop. I have been living off gift certificates for a while, still giving me the opportunity to go out to eat with friends. But I'm running out, and feeling like I'm being left behind in the process. I'm carrying a balance in my credit card, something I promised myself I would never do. Weddings, Birthdays, Rats, College, Greek Life... reality. Something has to change, or just be let go completely. Am I going to be that girl that has to transfer schools? Or puts her pets up for adoption because she can't be financially responsible? That kills. 

I know. Whine whine. This isn't what I wanted this blog to be for, and I realize it's a little uncharacteristic. Opposite of where I'm trying to be, mentally. But I'm just so frustrated. 

I believe in making sacrifices. I just don't know which ones to make.

Eat, Pray, Love

No, I'm not quite finished with it yet. But I really, really love this quote, and I don't want to lose it.

“Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be.”

Weight Loss

Is a powerful thing.

This is my body, and I'm taking responsibility for it. I'm using food as a medicine and a fuel. I'm using exercise to keep myself healthy. I'm stretching. Getting up early, going to bed on time.

I'm viewing my body as both a tool, and a vessel. You only get one. I may not be able to run miles, but I am stronger than I was, and I'm not afraid to sweat. I'm starting to actually enjoy my workouts, and I love the feeling afterwards.

As a result, this summer I've lost, officially, 15 pounds :)

About 7 of those was extra Italy weight. The rest, just getting trim and healthy. I don't notice much of a difference, really- not visually. But I feel better. I feel good about my commitment, I feel strong and healthy, and I feel capable. I've finally done this. I have proven that it is possible for me to lose weight, in a healthy way, and without going overboard.

I believe in self discipline.