It's that time again...

I saw this posted on campus, and there is literally no way for me to verbalize all the emotions that followed.

I believe there are some very lucky people about to have some life changing experiences.

Throwback: John Green

Because I am almost always in the mood for him, even when I don't have time to commit to rereading anything.

“There are infinite numbers between 0 and 1. There's .1 and .12 and .112 and an infinite collection of others. Of course, there is a bigger infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2, or between 0 and a million. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities. A writer we used to like taught us that. There are days, many of them, when I resent the size of my unbounded set. I want more numbers than I'm likely to get, and God, I want more numbers for Augustus Waters than he got. But, Gus, my love, I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn't trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and for that I'm grateful.” 

Also, I gave up crying for 2013, and there's no way I would make it through TFIOS without my heart breaking again. Maybe Looking For Alaska.

What is it, about my favorite things also being most likely to make me cry?

I believe in DFTBA.

3 Things Making Me Happy Right Now:

1. That it was so easy to return my coat to American Eagle, even though a button was falling off and I had no receipt. All I had to do was hand them my aerie card, and they just put the money back on and told me to have a nice day.
          (Also, I'm just including this in 1, but it really could be it's own bullet- I used that money to buy myself some presents at aerie, which I've been wanting to do for FOREVER.)

2. That Hoops for Hope was today, and a lot of people came to the girl's basketball game wearing their pink. Seeing not just my sisters, but many other women (both greek and non) come support the cause was really inspiring. Seeing both the BW team and the Mount Union team doing it was just as affirming for me; there are some things that we all just need to stick together for. In all the ways that cancer sucks, it does have a talent for bringing people together.

3. Inspirational Manatee memes. Because I really just can not get enough of them on pinterest.
 

  


(Ok, so not all inspirational. but still good)


And that was my Wednesday! Apparently whatever my roommate has, the health center believes I do too, so I'm looking at my potential tomorrow and not feeling optimistic. So, early to bed, and lots of liquids!

Being disliked, Being liked, and Recognizing neither matters

There's been some disharmony lately in my life, and while at first I was worn out by it, I saw this quote from C.S. Lewis that changed my perspective;

"Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back everything is different?"

I feel stuck, and trapped in this situation-- lately I've been feeling like my past is coming up to swallow me whole, and I can't escape it because no matter what I do, nothing is changing. My actions won't change the situation, other people's actions aren't changing the situation, and I'm stuck in this cycle that has been circulating since freshman year.

But obviously, I'm different from who I was freshman year. I'm different from who I was a year ago, and from who I was last semester, even. So even if I feel like my life has been repetitive; something changed. Because here I am.

I don't like for people to be unhappy with me. I'm a people pleaser, and I always have been. I don't buy into all that "even when I shouldn't be, I make others happy" nonsense- I truly believe you should always be working for peace, even when it isn't the easiest or most convenient thing. I'll even go so soft to say that I think there are times that you absolutely have to sacrifice your own happiness for others. Because that's how it works, to me. That's what a family is, and a community is just a huge family. Otherwise, we're all just people getting into each other's space.

So here I am, in the middle of this discord, and while it is hard, and sometimes it hurts- I just try to remember who I want to be, after all of it is over. Because this might last a week, it might last a month- but my actions in this situation will eventually become my identity. It isn't about making excuses, or finding reasons why something is or isn't acceptable-- retaliation in kindness and strength are the only means that I find appropriate, and the only way I know how to stay true to who I am. It doesn't matter who the person is, or what they're doing (obviously, since you've read this far without knowing). It's about my actions. I won't let another person affect who I will eventually become, especially not in a negative way.

So, it's been a trying week or so. But I firmly believe it will get better, and I will be better because of it.

I believe in compassion.

The Paris Wife (1)

I forgot one other thing! I finished my first book of the year, and I absolutely loved it. Paula McLain knows her business. Also, Ernest Hemingway was pretty angsty. 


“It gave me a sharp kind of sadness to think that no matter how much I loved him and tried to put him back together again, he might stay broken forever.” 

“Sometimes I wish we could rub out all of our mistakes and start fresh, from the beginning,' I said. 'And sometimes I think there isn't anything to us but our mistakes.” 


There were a lot more, but I don't want to give out too many spoilers. It's the first historical fiction that I've really enjoyed (and read on purpose), so I might have to try another. 

Seriously Bad Day; 5 Things

I'm going to take a page from my cousin, and list some things that I like about today. Because otherwise, it has been absolutely dreadful. I am probably the most miserable white, american, middle class college student  in mostly perfect health. BUT, instead of wallowing, here are 5 things I'm happy about today!

1. That all my problems can be solved with money- my grandpa taught me this one. Sure, it's money I don't have, but it is an otherwise easy solution. If I'm stranded on a desert island, money will do me no good, so I need to remember to be thankful that none of my problems are so complex that they require anything but money.

2. That I have a faculty advisor for my research proposal- It was so last minute, and I was sure that I was going to have to give up on summer scholar's, but Andy came through for me. We're meeting tomorrow to go over my application. It doesn't mean that I'll get in, but at least I can get this far.

3. I made blue jello before I left for Tennessee. Good decision, past Paige. Future Paige was very grateful.

4. Deeg took me to panera and was uncharacteristically nice to me today, without trying to solve any of my problems. I hate when people do that, and when I'm grouchy usually he's the first person I gravitate towards (partly because I know if I say something mean, he won't care anyway), but I appreciated his sensitivity.

5. I'm bringing a friend from SIE to visit another SIE friend while she bartends! I didn't want to go by myself, and I thought I was going to have to scrap the idea, but then last minute I found John. I love catching up with people I haven't seen in a while, and I especially love when plans work out, so it should be a fun time.


For as many crummy things happened the last few days, I've had a lot of surprises that were exactly what I needed. So here's to more of those moments.

I believe in looking forward to those surprises.