It's good to be alive!

I've been doing a lot more journaling and a lot less blogging lately-- do you really care about seeing the list of accomplishments I'm proud of in 2015? I thought not.

So instead, let's celebrate the new year!

2016

I know, I haven been totally MIA on the blog front-- I've started a lot that never got finished, which leaves for a pretty bare blog. This isn't even a "new years resolution" blog, this is just a list.

In 2015, I got to visit:

• Nashville
• Seattle *new
• Chicago  *new
• Las Vegas  *new
• Green Bay (very briefly)
• Minneapolis (very briefly)

So a pretty good travel year, considering!

Next year, my goals are:

• Atlanta (no choice here- it's for work)
• Portland
• New Orleans (this is top of the list)
• Chicago (but this time REALLY see the city)
• Orlando (for work)
• New York City (this looks like an April trip)
• Seattle 
• Nashville 

So let's see where this next year takes us!

Jessica Jones

First of all, if you aren't watching this show, you should. It's sort of a Veronica Mars meets Phillip Marlowe meets Daredevil. Very noir. It's also an awesome example of how Marvel can make kick-ass women. I don't want to go into it too much and spoil it, but I could also go on for hours about how refreshing it is to have women that have been hurt without victimizing them. There is not a single woman in a refrigerator.

Secondly, the theme song and opening credits design is so good, and because it's a netflix show people that are binge watching will only see it the first time they turn on the tv (when the show keeps playing, it skips over the opening scene). That is a shame. Some people worked very hard on all of it, and I can't stress enough what an awesome job they did.

So, go watch! It's Marvel's first super-female led project, and I want more.

On Being an Artist

I will also add that my boss is an artist, and not a cranky robot. So while I may be a chicken sighing at my desk, I am not a starving chicken, and can afford the time to write when I get home.

Currently Reading: "On Writing" - Steven King

“Talent renders the whole idea of rehearsal meaningless; when you find something at which you are talented, you do it (whatever it is) until your fingers bleed or your eyes are ready to fall out of your head. Even when no one is listening (or reading or watching), every outing is a bravura performance, because you as the creator are happy. Perhaps even ecstatic.”

“Amateurs sit and wait for inspiration, the rest of us just get up and go to work.” 

"And what about those [writers' workshop] critiques, by the way? How valuable are they? Not very, in my experience, sorry. A lot of them are maddeningly vague. I love the feeling of Peter's story, someone may say. It had something... a sense of I don't know... there's a loving kind of you know... I can't exactly describe it....

It seems to occur to few of the attendees that if you have a feeling you just can't describe, you might just be, I don't know, kind of like, my sense of it is, maybe in the wrong fucking class.”

This Week

1) Beware of grouch Paige. This week lots of little bothers rolled into each other and turned me into one raging angry faux-adult. I took Friday off to work on an attitude adjustment and to spare my coworkers of my bitch-mouth, but I woke up late and wasted half the day, which only makes me grumpier.

2) Faith and The Human Spirit- You know what's a good way to snap out of a bad mood? Go see The 33. It's the kind of movie that makes you cry happy tears, and since you already know what happens to the Chilean miners you don't really have to spend the movie in a state of anxiety. I love the idea that you can be a Christian and believe God had a hand in keeping them all safe, or you can be anything else and still recognize that their faith in God kept them together. I want to believe in something so strongly that I could have that security.

3) You know what I do have faith in? My personal trainer, who continues to not take any shit from me while still being very nervous about my health. She's convinced I need to see a neurologist and is constantly worried I'm going to drop a weight on myself or pass out. She's not wrong to be worried, but she also has a unique perspective in that she sees my body working every week, knows what I eat, and is still concerned. A doctor you might see once, they suggest you eat better, and then they send you away. So there's a certain amount of validation in someone paying that close attention that can say "I see you struggling, and I see your body working differently than others, and Something is wrong."

4) Eating Healthier for that trainer- Ugh, do I hate protein drinks. But the rest of what she's instructed me to do isn't so bad. Lemon water (not water with lemon, but a glass of water with straight lemon juice in it) has been a surprisingly effective and easy change in my diet that's given me more energy, supposedly will help me lose weight, and also is giving my skin a boost.

5) And when I don't eat healthy? Thursday, the Taco Bell boy gave me the senior citizen discount because he thought I was cute. This also occasionally happens at my movie theater. Humble brag? Maybe. Weird compliment? I'll take it.

Movie Treat of the Week: The 33

QOTD: Nelson Mandela

“There is no passion to be found playing small – in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.” 

Listening Today

3 Things

1) Being Sick- Two months ago, I bought myself a ticket to see Gillian Flynn (one of my top 5 favorite authors) speak at CWRU. The tickets weren't cheap, but they sold out quickly and it was worth it. Unfortunately, I did not get to go, which is making me sad. Nothing like getting up in the morning and thinking "I don't want to go to work, but I can't go to my speaker if I don't go to work," and then around 3:30 realize I'm too worn out to go. The only silver lining on all this is that the tickets were a fundraiser for the library, so when it all comes down to it I didn't "waste" my $30. Cuyahoga County Library gave me a library card when I was a PA citizen going to an Ohio college and it was one of the best libraries I've seen. So I can live with having given them some extra money.

2) Straws- I love straws. I love making my mom's special juice mix and mixing it with a straw. I love reading or watching tv or laying down and still being able to drink. I love how much easier it is to drink a lot, when you're super dehydrated and you just have to keep it up. But my cousin tells me straws are bad for the environment, so I must end this relationship.
Giving up straws feels like giving up your favorite blanket that you only take out when you're sick. But once I get through the package I was given when I moved in, I will not buy any more straws. Right now that mostly means I'm being very choosy about when I get to use them. If anyone knows of earth-friendly straws that aren't a pain to wash, send them my way.

3) Working from Home- I should not have stayed at work all day yesterday, but I'm learning. Sitting at my desk with a fever and exploding head mostly means I stare at the computer and get nothing done. Sitting in my bed with my heat pad and glasses of juice I can actually concentrate and be a little productive. So that's where I'll be this morning! Wish me luck that I shake this off before the end of the week.

Cooking.

This weekend I attempted to pre-cook some meals in preparation of the rest of the week. This looks very adult and organized on pinterest; in my kitchen, it's a little more touch-and-go.

Part of my problem is that there is some very stubborn part of me that's certain I know better than the recipe. This is half right; I won't like how the recipe does it. I just don't know how to substitute things I do like. That's a Becky Greene skill that I have not yet acquired--although she keeps reminding me that when she was my age she wasn't the cook she is now, and that I will learn by continuing to practice.

The problem is, practice is expensive and time consuming. I'm pretty sure I just started something in my slow cooker that will end up costing me 6 hours and $10 (not bad for several meals, but a bummer to waste) for some chicken that I won't eat because I put way too much water in. Not something I will be in a hurry to recreate, but I do think I already figured out the solution I should have tried.

I have mastered any pasta and meatballs. I have ravioli I keep meaning to make, but opening a jar of sauce is a commitment in itself as well. Partly there is just no good way to buy food in bulk/cheaper but cook for one person without anything getting spoiled. Breakfast is an easy solution, but I started missing the feeling of three meals a day. Veggies are still not finding their way on my plate, but I have some plans for that.

What are your best cooking recipes for picky eaters with very little time? Think creamy sauces with no fanciness, or veggies with lots of sugar or salt. Essentially it's like cooking for a toddler.

Home -Warsan Shire

no one leaves home unless
home is the mouth of a shark
you only run for the border
when you see the whole city running as well


your neighbors running faster than you
breath bloody in their throats
the boy you went to school with
who kissed you dizzy behind the old tin factory
is holding a gun bigger than his body
you only leave home
when home won’t let you stay.

no one leaves home unless home chases you
fire under feet
hot blood in your belly
it’s not something you ever thought of doing
until the blade burnt threats into
your neck
and even then you carried the anthem under
your breath
only tearing up your passport in an airport toilets
sobbing as each mouthful of paper
made it clear that you wouldn’t be going back.

you have to understand,
that no one puts their children in a boat
unless the water is safer than the land
no one burns their palms
under trains
beneath carriages
no one spends days and nights in the stomach of a truck
feeding on newspaper unless the miles travelled
means something more than journey.
no one crawls under fences
no one wants to be beaten
pitied

no one chooses refugee camps
or strip searches where your
body is left aching
or prison,
because prison is safer
than a city of fire
and one prison guard
in the night
is better than a truckload
of men who look like your father
no one could take it
no one could stomach it
no one skin would be tough enough

the
go home blacks
refugees
dirty immigrants
asylum seekers
sucking our country dry
niggers with their hands out
they smell strange
savage
messed up their country and now they want
to mess ours up
how do the words
the dirty looks
roll off your backs
maybe because the blow is softer
than a limb torn off

or the words are more tender
than fourteen men between
your legs
or the insults are easier
to swallow
than rubble
than bone
than your child body
in pieces.
i want to go home,
but home is the mouth of a shark
home is the barrel of the gun
and no one would leave home
unless home chased you to the shore
unless home told you
to quicken your legs
leave your clothes behind
crawl through the desert
wade through the oceans
drown
save
be hunger
beg
forget pride
your survival is more important

no one leaves home until home is a sweaty voice in your ear
saying-
leave,
run away from me now
i dont know what i’ve become
but i know that anywhere
is safer than here

Room

I finally finished Emma Donoghue's "Room" which my aunt bought me for my birthday. I've been slacking with my 2015 reading goals, but I did also finish "Why Not Me?" by Mindy Kahling. I almost always have an audiobook and a regular book going, so if you count it (and I do) then I might be closer to my goal.

First, the trailer for the movie:

The actual events of the book aren't a surprising twisty plot-- you pretty much can tell that they are in room, and then they will escape. But it's not really about that. It's a mother-son novel, a coming-of-age novel, a novel about rebirth...but not tragedy porn. The closest I can get to describing it without spoiling anything is that it's very much like The Lovely Bones. We know what happens in the beginning, we know there is something awful, but that's not the subject of the book. Room goes even further because Donoghue makes a very deliberate choice to keep the antagonist arm's length from the reader. This is not a book about a serial killer where he takes over the victim's story. This is about Ma and Jack.

I'll talk about Mindy Kahling's book later in a 5 things about last week post- I feel behind in October, so we're just going to pretend that month never happened and move right through November.

Anyway, go read Room. 4/5 stars, would read again.

October: Scary Movie Month!

I'm a little behind, but here's my list of movies I want to watch this October to keep up with everyone else in the world:

1) Poltergeist
2) The Exorcist (I actually think I watched this last year, but I barely remember it)
3) The Skeleton Key (Ryan's request)
4) Nightmare on Elm Street
5) Friday the 13th
6) Sleepy Hollow
7) It
8) Interview with a Vampire
9) Rear Window
10) Dawn of the Dead


I don't know what I'm forgetting, but I'm very open to suggestions!

Some Pictures from Vegas

Our very fancy hotel

This was actually in the Bilagio- it was supposed to be directed like the ocean, but instead it was decorated just like fall in PA!

The start of our booth. This was day two of 4 for set up.  

It wouldn't be a trip without some food pictures.

More set up pictures; this was all accomplished in triple-degree weather.

So when I got home, I was all about room service and fancy smoothies

This is a view of our hotel from the mall across the street

I only saved up for one big adventure on the trip, and so I took myself on a helicopter ride! I managed to get quite a few things off the bucket list all in one event.

I also got to sit next to the pilot, which was pretty cool.

We saw the hoover dam, and Celine Dione's house, and a lot of desert

We also went through the grand canyon, which I took a lot more pictures of but none of them really do it justice. If you want to know what it looks like from a helicopter, you should try it firsthand. 

We also went over the strip, so I was able to see all sorts of buildings from a pretty amazing view. I wanted to jump off the stratosphere, but mom told me I wasn't allowed. I guess I'll have to wait until the next show.

My pictures outside the helicopter.

Finally, after 11 days in a city that could not be more at odds against my personality, we were on our way home! We got back around 2am and I spent the whole weekend recovering. 

All in all, the trip was VERY succesful and every bit worth the exhaustion. Everyone was so helpful, our sales team was on fire, and we made the trip very worth it. And now that I know I can do it, Atlanta next April should be a breeze!

Some things from my Business Trip

1) I can do hard things. More importantly, I am actually pretty good at problem solving. While I might fret about what could go wrong, I actually really love a good crisis. Basically I'm the Olivia Pope of selling packaging equipment.

2) Hydration is key- this is true of travel at any time, but I worked especially hard on it while in Vegas. We spent hours setting up our booth in 103 degree weather. I took vitamins and drank water and ate smoothies, and I managed to make it through the show without getting sick.

3) If Vegas were a person, it would be my arch nemesis- loud, tacky, expensive, and self-involved. Every city has it's own personality, and while I think I'm probably a Seattle or a Portland, I would date Boston and be best friends with Cleveland or Nashville. But Vegas? Vegas is everything I cannot stand in a person

4) Rob Thomas wrote my life- Rob Thomas (creator of Veronica Mars and iZombie) is the understated Joss Whedon. Please, do not write off iZombie like I initially did. Rob Thomas has this gift for creating fierce, sassy women who get shit done and are the perfect balance of a tough softie. iZombie is essentially just Veronica Mars with the added zombie story-line. It's on Netflix next week, and I cannot recommend it highly enough. It made for excellent hotel entertainment.

5) Recovering afterwards- I got home Friday around 2am. I'm still unable to get out of bed before noon, so I've missed the first two days of Applefest, but I finally made it to hermitage where there is a Leonardo's pizza and Daffin's chocolate waiting for me. Cross your fingers that tomorrow I can get back into my normal rhythm (doubtful though, since tonight is the first SNL episode of the season).

True American

"So, it's 50% drinking game, 50% life-size Candy Land."
"Well, it's more like 75% drinking, 20% Candy Land, and by the way the floor is molten lava."
"It's actually 90% drinking and then it's got a loose Candy Land-like structure to it."

It's important to know that even when attempting to play a drinking game, my friends are all responsible and nerdy and do things like quote historical figures and use practical knowledge of physics. 

So while my grammy may be reading this and thinking "What is my granddaughter doing?" Just know that the night ended with us getting tired of drinking before the game was over and watching Netflix. Kimmy Schmidt > Alcohol.

For a while, I was the American Harry Potter supporting gay rights. That might not be obvious. 

Tights and a skirt is actually not great for jumping around on pillows, so I traded my outfit for an Arrow costume.

The oppression of women, circa pre-suffrage movement.

Swiper no swiping? 

This was actually Alex's birthday cake, but I forget why it became wedding-esque.

 At some point we did divert from the American theme, since I'm pretty sure they were on the trail of tears at this point, but that got a little depressing. It seems like the memorable parts of American history were mostly the negative ones, which eventually became a bummer. 

I did end up learning my lesson about using a bow without an arm guard, but otherwise I had a perfect night with my best friends who are the greatest distraction from work-related anxiety. These people are everything.

Inspiring Ambition

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.

                                                                              - Helen Keller

My Promise to Rebecca S Greene:

Becky Greene wins mother of the year again, for this whole past weekend. I feel like this perfectly sums up my mother: we didn't get to go to the fair, so she bought me polka dot socks. I read too much Harry Potter, so she made me lie on the floor and got me ice packs for my headache. I was anxious and sick, so she turned on How i Met your Mother (this actually made me cry, in the way that you do when you are tired of feeling sick and someone so perfectly understands what you need). She brought me applesauce and held my hand in the dark when I was queasy with a migraine. She laughed about elephants that knock over tourists (no one got hurt).

So, instead of waiting until mother's day to say something nice about her, or to get something nice for her, I would like to make the following 5 promises to my mummy:

1) I promise to stop saying "hate" when I mean "extremely dislike."
2) I promise to do 10 minutes of yoga every morning and every night, and to always drink enough water.
3) I promise not to read for longer than an hour without getting up to stretch.
4) I promise to make time every month to dye her hair.
5) I promise to save her place in my coloring book and not let anyone color her page.

Love you Becky Greene!

Ennui

1) Labor Day- Labor Day is "a creation of the labor movement and is dedicated to the social and economic achievements of American workers." That's right, a holiday to celebrate working people. That being said, you can keep your pious facebook posts to yourself. Yes, it is important to think of our soldiers, but photos of caskets with captions like "it's not just a three day holiday" are missing the mark. Memorial Day and Veteran's Day, yes. Labor Day, no.

2) Taveling- I have done none of it the past few months, and that makes me angry. I should have planned a trip this weekend. My family doesn't like it when I go places by myself, but sometimes that's the only option. Instead I am grumpy in Austintown with a list of chores.

3) Demo Derby - Is tonight, so I'm doing that. It is so out of character for me, and I know it, but a perfect example of why you should always try anything once. That being said, I also have a cucumber-kale-spinach-broccoli juice in the fridge waiting for me for breakfast.

4) The Weather- I am so ready for it to be fall. Give me 60 degrees with all my beautiful Pennsylvania leaves. I have been so patient.

Youngstown Bucket list (In its early stages)

Now that I have Ryan to tag along with me to some of these things, and I feel more comfortable going alone and getting lost if he doesn't feel like coming, it's time to commit to a list of things to do before it's already dark when I get out of work.

1) Go to the Butler Museum of Art
2) Go to a show at the Youngstown Playhouse -Mary Poppins is coming up in early December
3) Find as many used bookstores as we can. I've already picked one out that's 10 minutes from work, so I may try to go for lunch this week. Current winners: The Paperback Shack and Dorian's Books.
4) Go to a comedy night at Mojo's. They haven't listed their fall lineup yet, but once they do, that needs to get done.
5) There's a restaurant downtown that sells hotdogs, or something, and everyone keeps telling me about it...Suzie's Dogs? Suzie's dimes and dogs? I don't remember. But once I do, it should go on the list.
6) Some type of YSU student production, because what's the point of living near a college if you can't enjoy some of that weirdness.
7) Visit the Niles McKinley Library, because holy architecture batman.

What else am I missing? I got a book from the library on strange Ohio attractions and festivals worth attending, so I'll need to dig further into that.

Substitue Blog Post

I came across this today, and while I normally tend to roll my eyes at elitedaily posts, this one was exactly what I needed. So instead of writing my own post, I'm linking this:

Down The Rabbit Hole: Stop Making Self-Destruction A Cure For Boredom

A list

Stores in Austintown that sell Chips, but not Cheesy Popcorn:

• Marc's
• Save-a-Lot
• Dollar General
• Dollar Tree
• Big Lots
• Kmart

Just a Few Things

1) When visiting your parents for a weekend, you should always bring your glasses in case you trip and fall into a Harry Potter book. Once that happens, you have committed to rereading the whole series, but your brain will not forgive you if you try to marathon through them without corrective eye-wear.

2) This year was a little less sad when I didn't get to go back to school, but only because I feel more confident that someday I WILL go back and life is flexible and things aren't for never.

3) This confidence was slightly shaken by the small hiccough in dental insurance that does not want to pay for all that work I had done in February (before I went off my parent's insurance). A few things I realized during last night's ordeal:
 
      A. I am a responsible adult who has saved money in case of emergencies like this.
      B. But I am still a poor responsible adult, and this bill sucks up half of everything I saved over this year.
      C. Oh god, I am never going to stop owing someone money and I will never go to grad school and I will spend the rest of my life wearing broken sunglasses and eating stale bread from Marc's.
      D. Becky and Dave Greene will not let me starve to death and they can probably help fix this.

4) The above scenario also helped me realize that, while I haven't noticed a huge difference in my new medicine, it must be doing something for me because if I forget to take it I cry a lot about trivial things. Like dogs being at the pound, or important Harry Potter related decision-making, and dental bills.

5) Ryan Kish lives so close to me right now, and we are making traditions and this next year will be much better than the last. Which everyone promised me. So cheers to that.

Little Bee -Chris Cleave

This is one of those books you have to read, without any summary or preface, and just experience as you go. I finished it in two days, and right now it is my top book of 2015.

"I ask you right here please to agree with me that a scar is never ugly. That is what the scar makers want us to think. But you and I, we must make an agreement to defy them. We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means, I survived.”

Today I love: Comfort

Lately, I have been feeling scarce.

There is a book, 29 Gifts (it's not that great so don't bother reading it, I'm about to follow up the main points) where a woman becomes terminally ill and decides she will do something for someone else every day. She discusses how generosity makes you feel more alive, whereas scarcity (giving of yourself to excess) depletes your energy. The difference is often your own attitude.

For whatever reason, I've had trouble resetting my attitude lately. I'm unfocussed and grumpy at work, so I come home and have a poor dinner and get a bad night's sleep, then I wake up the next morning grumpy, etc. Earlier this week I realized that I was probably not that fun to be around, and maybe it would be good for both me and my coworkers if I took a day off.

Then tonight, I went through my notebook from when I was in the Netherlands. Which is the emotional equivalent of watching Chinatown.

It starts with such naive hope and optimism and every page gets slightly gloomier and more ominous until eventually you see the exact moment where I broke. I did not snap. Snapping is something you do when you're hard and angry. The Netherlands broke me.

But it was exactly what I needed to recharge, because sometimes all you need is a little reminder that you are living exactly what you needed a year ago. Sometimes I'm lonely in my apartment, but I'm never more than an hour away from one of my favorite people. I might get bored, but that also translates to "super comfortable" which is something I needed in excess a year ago. Sometimes my job is hard, but it's never, EVER the kind of hard that a language barrier produces.

So holy perspective, batman.

Tomorrow is going to be the best day, because I will spend it at home, where I have become so comfortable and happy I've convinced myself I shouldn't like it. I have milk in gallon jugs and air conditioning and I can read the labels to figure out which bottle is shampoo and which is conditioner. I can stay in bed and watch tv, and no one will care, or I can leave the house to go to a movie, and still no one will care.

I feel much less scarce and much more grateful for my beautiful, kind, comfortable life.

Me and Earl and the Dying Girl

Normally, I post my favorite quotes when I finish a book, but this was such an awful piece of trash there is not a single sentence worth mentioning. I'm only even mentioning I read the book to convince you not to waste your time.

How anyone could compare it to any John Green novel, I do not know.

“If after reading this book you come to my home and brutally murder me, I do not blame you.”

Good.

Vacation Days

The best part of my canceling my trip to Costa Rica is that I now have 6 beautiful vacation day opportunities that must be used up by the end of the year. The real bummer in being 23 is that realistically I have no money to go anywhere for vacation and my friends are equally financially challenged (and in most cases don't have vacation days on top of that). The bummer of being single is that any stay-cation plans start to feel like they should be narrated by a Liz Lemon diatribe. I come home from work and marathon Parks and Rec any day! Now I just have a fancy bed to do it in! Want to go to the library? Easy fun! Shopping? The mall is 10 minutes from work.

Maybe that's the secret. Every day after work is my own personal vacation. That would be a fun way to look at this!

I'm taking this Friday off just because I need the time away from the office to recharge, regardless of if I just hang out at the library or help Ryan with his move (eep!)

In the meantime, what do I do with the next 5 days?

Ideas:
1) Visit Tyler in NYC. This is a given, it's happening
2) Visit Cousins in LA. This seems less likely, as I am running out of time and I thought I would be able to wait until next year to do this
3) Visit Chicago with Kayse and watch some comedy gold.
4)Visit Breanna in Cincinnati to see the manatees
5) Go to the variety of lovely art and show offerings in Cleveland


What else could I do alone and with little budget? Peanut Gallery comments encouraged!

Some things for this Week/Month

1) Busy weekends - It seems like I've been running around a lot with all sorts of commitments, which is a good thing, but I miss having a lazy day once and a while. More importantly, I miss having someone to spend lazy days with. How long after graduating college until I stop missing college?

2) Keeping Motivated - No matter how busy I stay, the more bored I seem to get! Maybe it's because my projects are things like building bed frames and ordering a mattress and finding a new optometrist.

3) Trying New Things- I started a new show, I started a new book, I went back to the gym, I'm practicing cooking! All this feels like a dejavu of when I first moved here and didn't know what to do with myself. Can you backslide out of adulthood? For a while there I really feel like I had it worked out, but at some point I started going backwards.

I think maybe I'm frustrated that I haven't made more progress for the effort I've put in. I took an online class, I started dating a guy (boo, bad idea), I made more of an effort to get out of the apartment. All those things you do to settle in a new home. But it's been almost a year later, and I think I was happier when I was just marathoning Arrow and having popcorn for dinner.

I will say that the bright side of all this is having the english majors all back together again-- not physically, but putting us all on the same side of adulthood has made it a lot easier to stay connected. And my zeta family remains closer than ever. So for all the loneliness, I am luckier than most in that I got to keep all those very important people even when we all went separate ways.

Jim Henson vs. Stan Lee

Stay for the end. This is a good one.

This is Where I Leave You

It would be a terrible mistake to go through life thinking that people are the sum total of what you see.

Tonight's Viewing: Killing Nahtzis.

Watch List for Film Class

1. Back to the Future
2. Star Wars
3. Kramer vs. Kramer
4. Tootsie     (Amazon Prime)
5. American Graffiti
6. The Big Chill
7. Jurassic Park
8. Do the Right Thing
9. Thelma and Louise
10. The Bridge on the River Kwai
11. Moonstruck
12. 12 Angry Men    (Amazon Prime)
13. Patton
14. Big Night     (Netflix)
15. Annie Hall
16. Jackie Whitefish
17. Big Night
18. Inglorious Bastards    (Netflix)
19. The Hangover
20. Adaptation       (Amazon Prime)
21. Terms of Endearment     (Netflix)
22. Play Misty for Me
23. Highlander
24. Rivers Edge    (Amazon Prime)

Happy Independence Day!

I believe in never standing still.

Back Again!

I have been systematically poisoning myself the last two weeks with medicine that was supposed to make me feel better, but in the next three days that will all be behind me and hopefully I can get back to my blogging routine (as well as just getting on with my normal life again).

In the meantime, much love to my family who on two separate occasions had to pick me up from work because I was too sick to drive, took care of me while I was with them, and then drove me back to Ohio to get my car so I could go to work the next day. Much love especially to my mother, who doted on me and called every half hour when she couldn't be there. In the last two weeks I've missed 3 and 1/2 days of work, lost almost 15 pounds, thrown up at work like a pregnant woman in a bad comedy, and experienced "brain shocks" (a particularly fun side effect that you should always avoid. always).

Much love to my Millwood family, who have been so tolerant and supportive. My boss basically refused to allow me to use vacation days even though I've been sick so often, and my coworker brought me a blanket so that I could lie on the floor and prop my head up (there's been a lot of lying on the floor. stupid blood pressure). No one has threatened to fire me, only support me and pray for my health. Months ago our prayer team started praying for me when I got my new diagnosis, which really is a crazy, beautiful, lucky support group I never would have expected to need. I really do work for the best company and the best people.

Much love to my friends, who have checked up on me and continued to remain sympathetic. Having a sick, unhappy friend is a hard thing to tolerate for very long, but again-- they've all been only supportive, even to the point to cheer me on when I didn't think I could take another pill. When I was ready to give up, they were ready with reasons it would eventually be worth it if I could stick it out just another day (and then another, and another...) Kayse even drove all the way to Hermitage to take me to a movie since I had to cancel one weekend's plans.

So love love love to everyone, and thank you for being patient with me. Everyone cross your fingers that when I go back to my doctor at the end of the month and we try this process all over again it isn't nearly as exciting. This may not have been the right treatment for me, but I'm optimistic that the right one is out there and we're going to find it.


I believe in the healing power of love from friends and family.

Sick Day Treats

I am 100% convinced the how i met your mother has healing powers, and while normally I watch the blooper reel over and over, this is another winner when I'm looking for a smile.

Screenwriting Class Assignment- Back to the Future!

I started my first day of my screenwriting class at UCLA (online), which I'm very excited about. Each week I have around 60 pages of reading and two hours of lectures, plus 4 movies to watch a week. Easy! So far I'm loving the content, the syllabus looks great, and I'm just so thrilled to be learning again.

The first lesson's required viewing is Back to the Future and Star Wars. I've seen Star Wars, but since my family doesn't have cable I never got to take advantage of the endless reruns and marathons for Back to the Future, so tonight was my first time watching.

It's always exciting when you know where pop culture references come from, and you've seen the clips, but then you finally get to experience them in context and it's like all the pieces of a puzzle came together from a million different conversations I've had over the years.

Stay tuned for more updates on the class as I continue to expand my pop culture knowledge, and be sure to offer your own suggestions on what I should be watching (with best-written movies in mind). I'll  be using letterboxd to keep track of everything I watch. And if anyone is interested in watching with me, let me know!

Girls in White Dresses -Jennifer Close

“In college, 29 had seemed impossibly old. By now, she'd thought she'd be married and have kids. But as each year went by, she didn't feel much different than she had before. Time kept going by and she was just here, the same.”

“It made them restless and irritable while they waited for something to start. They all knew they ought to feel different in their new lives, but they felt the same and it put them on edge. Hot and impatient, they fidgeted in the heat, grumbling and asking each other, “What next? What next?”

Living Alone: A Case Study

It has now been just over 6 months since I moved to Youngstown all by myself to cross off one of my bucket list items: live alone. Since then, I've rounded up some of my observations on just how I've been pulling this off, the struggles I've faced, and the habits I've acquired:

1 week- The amount of time it took before I stopped shutting the bathroom door all together. Why bother? As a bonus, in the winter the steam from my shower usually heated up the apartment pretty well.

1 month- The amount of time it took before I was willing to put a shower curtain up that wasn't see-through. I still occasionally check to make sure no one is hiding in my shower, but so far there's been no issue.

Conversation?- I tried talking to the pet plant, and that didn't work for me. I tend to only talk to myself only when I'm trying to remember something. So most of the time, that meant (unless someone called me) I would go from 5pm-8am every day just not speaking. It got weird. Now I've started to be more of a Marshall and tend to sing everything I do.

The lack of conversation sometimes makes me feel desperate, and when something exciting happens in my life it's like I go through a roll-a-dex of who I could call that would care. There have been very lonely times when I realize that I really don't have a go-to person for a lot of the types of conversations I miss, but I can pretty much always count on my Aunt Joanna to send me emails, and that helps a lot.

And the Loneliness? I don't mind it as much as I mind the weird effects that follow. Like having inside jokes with yourself (Ex: "Thin Mint Ice Cream is Back!" sign, to which I always respond "Where did thin mint go? It's the most generic flavor ever.") but you forget that no one else knows them. The same also goes for using people as a way to remember certain events-- "Did we go see Pitch Perfect 2 together? Who was that?" oh, that's right. You saw it by yourself.

What Do I Love? I love going to bed early and having no one's schedule to work around. I love watching only the TV shows I want to watch. I love using breath right nasal strips, or face masks, and having no one see me. I love having my own space that I'm responsible for, and cleaning it to my standards (and knowing that it can only be my fault if it gets dirty again). I love getting magazines addressed to me at my apartment. I love burning smelly weird candles. I love spontaneously deciding to foster a family of cats without asking anyone's permission. I love eating weird meals at weird times of the day.

So, would I want this permanently? No. I think, in reality, a good roommate would be a better situation (but New Girl and HIMYM has spoiled me with its fictional friendships). But I'm glad I'm doing this now, and learning what I do and don't like, and making my space all my own while I figure out this crazy life. 

Overwhelming Happiness

I love both of these women, and their positive energy, but more than that I love that KBell is raw and emotional and honest and unembarrassed of that. If this were me with a manatee, I would completely have the same reaction.

I believe in embracing your honest and overwhelming feelings. Especially the happy ones.

Sick Again!

It seems like once I shake off one illness, another one creeps right back! I had to miss work two weeks ago from food poisoning, and I've missed at least 3 other days since I started 6 months ago. I don't know what's "normal" for sick days-- my company's policy is that you should just not come in when you're sick-- but I would almost feel better knowing how much is too much.

Purely from the motivation of wanting to feel better, it feels like it's been too much.

I usually struggle during the first year of anything, when I think back to it (freshman year of college was especially rough) but I've never been in a position where I put extra stress on myself feeling guilty about being sick. If I missed a class in college, I was wasting my own money. Missing a half day of work is wasting someone else's.

So it's been a desperate scramble these past few days. The best part of living alone is that I can come home, shower, and immediately throw on a breath-right strip and gargle away. My apartment is a disaster of laundry and dishes and tissues, and no one has to put up with that. But now I'm out of juice, and it would be nice not to have to make my own dinner.

More importantly-- where can I find a down-on-her-luck prostitute that will brush and dry my hair? It is my least favorite thing to do. I don't know what the going rate is for Youngstown ladies of the night, but if someone was looking for some honest cash I would pay good money for someone to bring me a blanket and pat me on the head. I might just be looking for a personal care aide, but that seems extreme.

Anyways, trying to follow in the infinite wisdom of Barney Stinson:

Books for June

1. Under the Skin - Michel Faber
Just finished this-- a good quick read, but really bizarre. Not Sci Fi, not horror-- not quite sure what to compare it to. It deals with compassion and empathy and power all while mirroring our own farming industry. I wouldn't say it turned me into a vegetarian, but it is an interesting examination in how we define our moral codes.

"Shared suffering, she’d found, was no guarantee of intimacy.”

2. Girls in White Dresses - Jennifer Close
Started this yesterday, and it seems like I should blow through it pretty quickly. It deals with the struggles of finding your identity after graduating when everyone around you seems like they have their adult lives figured out, so it's pretty fitting for my mood as of late.

3. The Sound and the Fury - William Faulkner
Hoping to finally start a Southern Grotesque book club, and I think this is probably the first we should tackle.

4. Love in the Time of Cholera -  Gabriel Garcia Marquez

What should #5 be? Something young adult, maybe? Me and Earl and the Dying Girl was on my list, as was If I Stay. I'm embarrassed to admit that I will be reading Grey when it comes out on the 18th, but surely it doesn't count as my 5 in June.

For my Family This Week:

“We must live in the radiance of tomorrow, as our ancestors have suggested in their tales. For what is yet to come tomorrow has possibilities, and we must think of it, the simplest glimpse of that possibility of goodness. That will be our strength. That has always been our strength.”

-Ishmael Beah

How do you eat an Elephant?

One bite at a time!

The big moving stress is here! The Greenes will be gradually moving from Millerhood to The Mount, so think of us as we try to eat the elephant together in the next two weeks.

Memorial Day

“In one of his last newsletters, Mike Ranney wrote: 

"In thinking back on the days of Easy Company, I treasure my remark to a grandson who asked, 'Grandpa, were you a hero in the war?'

No,'" I answered, 'but I served in a company of heroes.”

 

-Major Dick Winters,

Commander of Easy Company

2nd Battalion

506th Parachute Infantry Regiment

101st Airborne Division

Goals for Now until June

1) Read at least 5 books; right now I'm reading "under the skin," but next will be "girls in white dresses" and after that there are a slew of books to choose from. Hopefully I can get some of my group together to do some type of book club. The 5 don't include my audiobooks; I should get through 2 or 3 of them as well.

I also went to a book club that meets monthly, although they all read different books and talk about them; they got me connected to two others though, so hopefully I can get involved there as well.

2) Take 10 minutes every morning to take a walk around the apartment- Mom pointed out that there are lots of little opportunities that may seem insignificant but can still be utilized. I want to make it a goal just to walk more, but since that isn't as measurable I want to say I will at least do a mini walk in the morning.

3) Finish my coursera class, and then take a second one. It isn't so much that they're difficult, but they're good exercises in self-discipline. It also wouldn't kill me to start back on my Spanish rosetta course. I'm using my trip to Costa Rica as motivation.

4) Go to my gym 4 days a week- Screw weight loss. I give up on that right now. But it's good for me to get out of the house, it's good to push your body, and I always feel better after a workout. So even if I go just to get the rest of my steps in, I need to go.

5) Watch smarter movies and television- Instead of getting sucked into what's already on, or something I've already seen, I need to watch something that makes me better for having seen it.

Rockin' the Suburbs

Happy Graduation, Friends!

I love these people. 

Rivers and Roads

It always makes me a little weepy, but in the best way, and it was in this season's finale of New Girl. Plus, it's the perfect graduation song.

When You are Engulfed in Flames - David Sedaris

David Sedaris is the reason I love audiobooks. He is the perfect example of that hilarious written genius that, if read poorly, would just be dull and long winded. I fell in love with him freshman year of college, when we listened to an excerpt from his book "Me talk pretty one day." It is 100% worth listening to the whole thing:

Anyway, I just finished another of his books, "When You Are Engulfed in Flames," which follows his journey with quitting smoking, his neighbors in France, and how he and his partner decided to move to Japan. His is one that can't be captured in a few quotes; he has perfected the craft of extending a story without making it dull. He's the anti-twitter. So with that in mind, here are some quotes that don't necessarily represent the comedy of the book, but I still loved anyway:


“Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto.”

“The things I've bought from strangers in the dark would curl your hair.”

“The bow tie is like the pierced eyebrow of the Republican party.”

The important thing is that you go out and get an audiobook or a youtube video of him reading one of his stories, because the man is hilarious. 

Ryan Gosling Finally Eats his Cereal

I just find this so touching. If you haven't seen the original video, it was created by Ryan McHenry:

Ryan died on Sunday at the age of 27, and to honor him, Ryan Gosling sat down and had a bowl of cereal. It seems so trivial, but it's one of those little things that remind you how valuable we all are, and how easy it is to give someone their due props.

Adventures in Cat Fostering

For the past 6 weeks, I've been sharing my space with a momma cat and her three kittens. I really thought, prior to this experience, that I was an animal person. I've always been a little afraid of kittens (they're so fragile!) but figured I could be compassionate and hospitable regardless.

I was wrong.

While the experience came with a lot of stories, and it was a Good Thing to Do, I'm going to try very hard to never do this again. Some examples of this month's struggles:

1) Because you aren't keeping the cats, you shouldn't get attached. For that reason, the mom is always just "cat," and then there's "the kitten with the boots," "the middle kitten," and "the runt." The shelter told me I could name them, but it just seemed like a bad idea. It also doesn't help that you don't find out their gender until they're older, because I didn't even have a pronoun to use instead of a name.

2) Since you aren't attached to the cats, and they aren't yours, you feel much less forgivable when they act weird. When Shakespeare wakes me up in the morning, it's the best alarm clock ever. When mom cat does it, I'm immediately annoyed. It's the difference between having a house guest and having family.

3) Kittens are so fragile! They've had to go in for eye infections, one of them has been making messes everywhere and I have to take him in to see if he has worms, and you constantly have to be on the alert for flees. Even if you do all the things you're supposed to, the kittens still might just die. And since they aren't yours, you will feel even worse about it.

I will add that I was very lucky to have a mom cat who was generally very helpful through all this. She didn't mind when I was smearing medicine on her kittens' eyes, and we tagged teamed cleaning the kitten last night (she only clean them if they're convenient, and I was so tired of wiping it off with a wet paper towel that I just held the kitten down while she licked it clean. Gross.)

4) Animals smell. That's just how it goes. And my bathroom is too small for the litterbox to go there, so it's in my closet, and I'm constantly vacuuming and scooping and air-freshening and lysol-ing. My hands are so dry from the amount of cleaning I do. On the bright side, cleaning a litterbox is way easier than cleaning a rat cage.

5) Cats are prickly! Even when they're happy with you, they dig their claws into your leg. I had to hide my grammy quilt so they couldn't dig into that, but they've ruined some clothes and I'm constantly stopping them from yanking up the carpet. They've only recently started chewing on wood, too, so my desk and dresser are on high alert.

So I don't care how cute they are, I hate them. I do not want a kitten. I keep telling people, and they don't believe me, but truly- I want a grouchy, old, fat cat that hides in the corner and hisses at strangers and only likes me (but in a prideful, not needy way). Preferably orange. So basically, Garfield.

Beautiful Bald Ladies

I cannot get over how bad-ass Charlize Theron looks in all the promo posters for Mad Max:

So I started thinking about all the women I know who have been or are currently bald, and all the ways they've hid it (popular opinion is that wigs are the worst. I actually have my grandmother's from when she was getting chemo). I wish that I had the guts to shave my head, because I really do think bald women are super-beautiful and am genuinely in awe of them. So besides all those women that I love, here are my top 5 favorite bald babes:

1. Natalie Portman

Not only did she rock the bald look, but she also managed to look awesome as she was growing her hair out. Plus, I just love that she had it shaved on camera. 

2. Erykah Badu

She looks so fierce, but still entirely feminine. It's almost like the bald head softens her look. And how often do you notice people's necks? I think being bald leaves a certain amount of vulnerability, but in that, you notice all of the other qualities that make a person beautiful. 

3. Sigourney Weaver

Because little girls should grow up wanting to be Ellen Ripley, not a disney princess.

4. Sinead O'Conner

Another easy answer, but she is too cute! I think the common thread here might also be "women who have beautiful eyes and flawless eyebrows"

5. Karen Gillan

She's another person on the list that looks awesome every step of the growing-out process. I also just like seeing Nebula look so happy. 

I'm not brave enough to pick up the clippers (I'm usually not even brave enough to pull my bangs back), but I can dream. Until then, I'll just have to learn to use photo shop so I can play pretend at bald.