Greene Christmas

Quote of the week:

"Unbeing dead isn't the same as being alive." -ee cummings

I believe in living.

New Hair?

I am consistently bored with my hair, and since it's something that grows I feel no remorse in doing crazy things with it. I've grown out of my crayola colors stage (I'll still do my pink for October though. Not full blown adult yet), but I still like to play with highlights and low lights and different styles. It's crazy how different you can look in an hour of hair fussing, and I'm ready to try something new.

I've been thinking about a perm, because last time was such a disaster it would be worth revisiting (didn't I just write a post about learning from mistakes? I'll never learn). Risk vs. reward- I might look stupid and destroy my hair, but it also might look awesome, too.


I think this is my favorite. More wavy and relaxed, but still different than my normal super straight style.
 
 I don't think I'm ready to rock that much volume, but I still love it on the girls that do.


I'm also ready to go back to my dark color and ditch the blonde, at least for the winter. Besides, who doesn't want desert colored hair? (Chocolate, Carmel, Hazelnut versus platinum, sandy, and gold?)


I believe in changing out of boredom.

6 Harsh Truths that will Make you a Better Person

http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-you-better-person/

Go, read this right now. Soon I'll come back and compare this article to my new years eve resolutions to 2012.

Reflections

I thought that I had a post on what I anticipated each semester to be like, and then again at the end how I felt about it, but it seems they're less regimented than what I was picturing, so this may all go down differently.

The plan is to come back and analyze my 2012 resolutions, reflect on how awesome of a year it was, and just live out the moments. Then do the same for the semester involved, or at least this most recent one.

Then, I want to make my resolution for the year, and then also make a bucket list for the semester. I think having one dated seems much more...real. Attainable, even. Because these are things you have to take seriously and evaluate if you have time to do them. And if not, why? What are you doing that's more important now? Why do I think I'll have more time some other time?

Starting tomorrow, hopefully. Lets do some reflecting.


I believe in always pushing forward, even if you have to look back first.

Revisiting My Plans for 2012

This new year is going to be full of new, unknown things- which leaves lots of room for mistakes, growing, and trying out my wings.

I'm going to Europe- last time this year, it was a big enough step to go to Ohio. Now, it's my home.

I'm going to deal with the one year anniversary of Molly- I've never done that before. No one's death has ever stuck so much with me, that there will be a day that it's all I would think of. I don't know how that will go.

I'm going to be in my first wedding- I have no idea what to do, but as bridesmaid it's kind of my job to help out, so I'm just going to have to watch and learn.

I'm going to be celebrating holidays with a new boyfriend- somehow, this matters. Birthdays and christmas and valentines day will have different dynamics, different traditions; I'm excited to make new ones, but sad for the ones I'll lose, too.

That's the theme of this year, actually. losing old things, but finding great new things too.

New Years Resolution: I want to be more open, and more sensitive to others. I want them to know they can come to me, regardless of the time or situation. I want to be that girl. Because those are the girls that made such a difference in my life, and instead of sitting around wishing I was like that, I just will be that. I'm the age where I need to stop thinking about what I would like to do, or be, and just do it.

So that's 2012. No more waiting, just doing. No more excuses, just finding ways. I realize there will always be limitations; I so badly want to visit my cousin in California, but at this point I'm selling everything I own, working two jobs, and living off cereal so that I can get through college (to be fair, I'm also getting an awesome experience of spending a few weeks in Europe, so it's not like I gave up everything). Some things will go on the "as soon as the money comes in" list, but the things I can do, I will do. The things I can't, I'll find a way to make it happen.

Along those lines- I'm simplifying my life. Selling or donating what I can. Every year, I try to get rid of a little more to clear out the junk. I think that's important. Not just symbolically- I'm going to be moving out someday soon, and when that happens I don't need to bring my Simple Plan and Bowling for Soup CDs. Buffy the Vampire Slayer- she can probably go too. I already donated my entire Animorphs series to the cutest little boy who I know will love them.

So 2012, let's make a year.

The Creed of Zeta Tau Alpha

To realize that within our grasp, in Zeta Tau Alpha, lies the opportunity to learn those things which will ever enrich and ennoble our lives; 

to be true to ourselves, to those within and without our circle; 

to think in terms of all mankind and our service in the world; 

to be steadfast, strong, and clean of heart and mind, remembering that since the thought is father to the deed, only that which we would have manifested in our experience should be entertained in thought; 

to find satisfaction in being, rather than seeming, thus strengthening in us the higher qualities of the spirit; 

to prepare for service and learn the nobility of serving, thereby earning the right to be served; 

to seek understanding that we might gain true wisdom; 

to look for the good in everyone;

to see beauty, with its enriching influence; 

to be humble in success, and without bitterness in defeat; 

to have the welfare and harmony of the Fraternity at heart, striving ever to make our lives a symphony of high ideals;

devotion to the Right, the Good, and the True, without a discordant note; 

remembering always that the foundation precept of Zeta Tau Alpha was Love, the greatest of all things. 

I believe in living your creed.

End of Fall 2012!

Phew. Made it!

After finals I had a leadership retreat, so I really just finished this afternoon. I'm almost done cleaning up the apartment and getting everything finished, and so this 10 minute break to sit and watch the news and get back to my blog is incredibly welcomed. It's nice to not have to worry about a million things.

(Although, as soon as I say that, my brain starts frantically searching for anything I might have forgotten. The schoolwork is over, but I still have to make sure I'm prepared for the internship, two jobs in Berea, and two jobs in Franklin. I am not looking forward to filing taxes this year!)

This was a rough semester, but in a good way. In a lot of ways, actually. I made it the whole way through without any safety net; I took a bunch of classes I was NOT enthusiastic about, and really struggled with; I learned to make friends without greek life; I started taking my writing seriously, and thinking about a future; I got in real trouble, and found my way out of it. I persevered, even when I didn't want to.

I'm still not comfortable. But I also don't think I'm uncomfortable enough. So next semester, I'll try more new things. I'd like to make some healthier choices. Read a few more books, and cut back on my social media. Keep a positive attitude. Be a leader.

Next semester, academically, will be rough. I'm on credit overload and the majority of my classes are literature based. But I'll remember that I love reading, and I chose my major because it's something I want to do the rest of my life. I'll have more responsibilities in my extra-curriculars; we changed how we're doing the yearbook this year, and I'm vice president of ZTA, which is going to be a serious commitment. But again, I'll need to remind myself that I love working on the yearbook, and that I'm passionate about ZTA and empowering women through my position. I'm going to do some serious good next semester.

So this semester was hard, but I did it.

I believe I can make it through next semester, too.          

             

Oops.

I believe in making fantastically bad mistakes.

And then learning from them.

Great Gatsby

“Her face was sad and lovely with bright things in it, bright eyes and a bright passionate mouth, but there was an excitement in her voice that men who had cared for her found difficult to forget: a singing compulsion, a whispered “Listen,” a promise that she had done gay, exciting things just a while since and that there were gay, exciting things hovering in the next hour.” 

I believe in the classics. 

Obligatory Thanksgiving Post

I say it in a bitter way, but really I do like to appreciate what I have. I think there's a lot of value in that. I believe in a holiday that celebrates giving thanks.

But I hate Thanksgiving. Nothing says peace and friendship like taking over someone's home and murdering them. Nothing says "giving thanks" like celebrating Black Friday. And I don't like food.

It's just not really my holiday.

But! Since I do like giving thanks, there are some shout outs I need to make:

1. Becca, Deeg, and Kuz- the best friends and roommates a girl could ask for, I've had way too many good and bad times with them. I realize next year we'll all go our separate ways so I want to try to soak up as much time with them I can.

2. My family- we're all so close with each other, and I know I can always get support from them, even when I don't want it. Also, my mom always makes me spaghetti when I'm home because she knows it's my favorite.

3. My new attitude- I won't say that there's a lack of drama in my life, but I don't care nearly as much as I used to. That's a nice feeling.

4. Peppermint Mochas, and a coffee place that's open late. And a library that's open even later. And having so much of my homework for finals done already.

5. The easy access I have to books! I'm finally getting back into my list, and I'm going to plow through it as much as I can.

Hopefully I'll have time through the week to add 5 more every day! I'm working a lot, so maybe I'll throw in a "crazy shit customers have done" post as well.

I believe in giving thanks.

Growth Spurt

I've decided recently that it's time for me to start dressing a little more intentionally. I'm not saying get up and spend an hour picking out an outfit, but it is time for me to pitch some t shirts and hoodies in exchange for a few blouses and blazers. Since coming back from Europe, I've noticed what people wear more often, and I'm trying to remember some of that when I go shopping- but it's tough.

So far, I've mastered scarves and blazers. Layering anything else is still tricky, and I completely ignore any type of accessory, but we're getting there. Part of the battle is finding pieces of an outfit that I can afford, and make versatile enough to wear it with lots of different pieces.

This week, the goal is to dress like an adult every day, without going out to buy anything new. Hopefully it's a success, and if I can prove to myself that I will start taking my clothes a little more seriously, maybe for Christmas I'll reward myself with a pair of nice riding boots, which I've been dreaming about for a month but I'm not actually confident I could pull off.

I believe that sometimes, it's worth it to take yourself seriously.

Photo Throwback

This is a picture of my stuffed animal (formerly known as Winnifred, now known as Mr. Manatee) after Kusz found him stuffed in the fridge the morning after he was stolen from me by Deeg. 

I have really great friends this semester.

I believe in silly nights, photographing memories, and stolen manatees.

All About Us -He is We

I believe in trying to lift your mood with music.

Reading List

I got a lot done last summer, but none of the books were really stellar or even worth any literary recognition. Now that I'm a hardcore, want to be the smartest, pretentious English  major, it's time I stepped my game up. Which means its time for another list! I just finished The Perks of Being a Wallflower, and I'm in the middle of Invisible Monsters, but it's nice to have a few in the que.

1. The Great Gatsby (Seriously, I'm not sure how I got away with not reading this before)
2. On the Road (I've been kicked out of our friend's apartment countless times from admitting my ignorance)
3. The Marriage Plot (I've just heard it's good, and I liked the Virgin Suicides)
4. Love in the time of Cholera


the 5th, realistically, will be the Jodi Picoult book that's sitting upstairs with a title I don't remember. There's a  Kurt Vonegut one as well- I went to the library to get some work done the other day and stumbled into a bookstore. Best trip ever.

Finally, a confession- I miss John Green. I think it may be time to reread The Fault in Our Stars, but I've been in such a crummy mood lately that seems like a bad idea. still, I figured it was about time to pull out another of his quotes:

“There are infinite numbers between 0 and 1. There's .1 and .12 and .112 and an infinite collection of others. Of course, there is a bigger infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2, or between 0 and a million. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities. A writer we used to like taught us that. There are days, many of them, when I resent the size of my unbounded set. I want more numbers than I'm likely to get, and God, I want more numbers for Augustus Waters than he got. But, Gus, my love, I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn't trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I'm grateful.”

I believe in small infinities. <3

Classy.

I am a classy lady.

I do not gossip, complain about others, or put people down.
I focus on good qualities, and ignore the bad.
I let drama wash over  me; I don't let it drown me, I don't try to swim through it- I let it happen, and don't participate.
I don't retaliate, I respond.

I am a classy lady.

I don't let other people ruin my good time.
I keep positive friends close, and let go of the ones that bring me down.
I expect to be treated with respect.
I get concerned, not judgmental.

I am a classy lady.

I won't let others stand in the way of what will make me happy.
I don't apologize for taking care of myself.
I don't expect anyone else to do it for me.
I try to act like the age I aspire to be, not an age that I once was.


I believe in acting with class.

Catching Up

Well Hello again, blog. I've missed you.
My life has been kind of hectic lately. Lots of homework. But it's not just that.

I have a life. 

You know the quote that says something like "You'll never remember the nights you got enough sleep?" I thought about it a lot, and how I wish I hadn't slept so much in Europe. That I had just gone, and done everything, and not worried so much. And I decided to make that my life now.

It really is working for me. I stay up late, hang out with friends, get into adventures. Learn new things. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I'm relaxing in my bed, just doing nothing. Not worrying about homework, or trying to get in touch with someone, or keep up with some responsibility at work. I'm just sitting, thinking about taking a nap, and listening to music. The president's inauguration is in a little bit, and I'll probably go to that. But today is the first day I've gotten to look back and think about how happy I am with how I've decided to live this year.

I know I'm behind on a lot of things- I went to Applefest, finished a book, and made some big life decisions. But right now, I'm only working on moving forward, and I don't want to get stuck trying to go backwards. I definitely don't want it to feel like a chore. So in the meantime, I'm just going to write when I have time.

I believe in living with intention.

"The Call" -Kina Grannis cover

I believe in having no need to say goodbye.

-Disney's Princess Creed

I am a princess.

I am brave sometimes, I am scared sometimes. Sometimes I am brave even when I am scared.

I believe in loyalty and trust. I believe loyalty is built on trust, 

I try to be kind, I try to be generous, I am kind even when others are not so generous.

I am a princess. 

I think standing up for myself is important, I think standing up for others is more important, but standing with others is most important.

I am a princess. 

I believe compassion makes me strong, kindness is power, and family is the tightest bond of all.

I have heard I am beautiful, I know I am strong.

I am a princess, Long may I reign. 

This is what a Princess is made of.

5 Weeks? Really?

It's hard to believe I am just now getting settled into my routine in Berea, and I'm into the 5th week. There were a few setbacks that made the process a little tougher than it needed to be, but for the most part I think I've tied up as many loose ends as I can.



I'm a Zeta again! Ok, well technically I always was. But as a Rho Gamma (recruitment guide) I had to leave my sisters and be disaffiliated to remain unbiased during the process. We had a fabulous group of women in our color group, and not a single hissy fit was thrown.

It's interesting for me to think about where I want to go now- obviously I got used to not relying on my sisters quite so much. I got through a trip in Europe, a breakup, some trouble, moving in, and having an awful week of dumb ass moves (seriously, I don't think I was completely prepared for all my classes a single day during that week. I looked like a fool).
So what do I do now? Go back to being a sorority zombie, with no friends outside of greek life? No other interests, no solitary identity? I think I was on a really good track, and I need to keep working on that.

Things I've Done that I'm Proud of, since being a Rho Gamma:

• Joining SCOPE
• Sticking with Ki Kong- that class tried to kill me, but now I'm learning how to kill people. We'll talk about that later, though.
• Finally signing up for guitar lessons!
• Dealing with the big Oops
• Managed to function quite well without needing any single boy (Deeg will argue I'm still having an internal struggle between feeling domesticated and independent, but I'm comfortable with that)
• Finding new music I like! It used to be that I would never find time to make a point to listen and find new stuff
• Putting facebook on my stayfocsd app, so I don't waste so much of my life
• Cookies and Cream Mochas with a shot of espresso. yum.

Some of them are silly, some are just little indicators that help me find who I am. I like trying these new things, regardless. There's something empowering about knowing I could break someone's bones, while also having an informed discussion about various religions while I sip my favorite blended coffee drink and listen to new bands.

I believe in reflection.

Politics, English Majors, and Apartment Living

I feel like I've been neglecting my blog lately; not because I haven't been writing in it, that's not a big deal, but because I've had things that I've wanted to write about and I just never got to it. So, I'll give the condensed version, and hopefully the craziness that is Beginning Another Semester of College will settle.

1. Politics- I know that everyone is sick of the adds and the facebook posts, but I will say this- Having an opinion, even one about an issue that isn't entirely accurate, and being passionate about that opinion- that's beautiful to me. I love seeing people get inspired by a certain issue. From a voting standpoint, obviously it's important to be informed, but just as a person who cares- even if you think Obama is going to start killing the firstborn son in every family- it's awesome for me to see people being so vocal about their views. Cut out the part where it's about a candidate, and what you really see is an individual with a strong concern for a certain cause. Even if its polar opposite of yours, you can, if nothing else, recognize the faith and commitment a person has to this belief. I think it's so rare to find people willing to share some of their core values, and to be so firm in them, and I like that it gets brought out now.

2. English Majors- I am one. I haven't broken up with my communications advisor yet, so I'm currently double majoring, but I'll get to it soon. That will leave me with some nice chunks of empty space that I can fill with gender studies classes and sign language and everything else I wanted to learn while at college. Incidentally, I start guitar lessons on Tuesday, which I am pretty excited for.

3. Apartment Living- is hard sometimes. Lots to clean, I need to go grocery shopping, and there are more responsibilities as roommates. I miss living on the section, but I'm still really really glad I decided to move out. I think this is good for me. Also, it helps enforce the idea that I have a home, thereby making it acceptable for me to stay in it and feel at home.

So those are the main things, before I forget them.

I believe in responsibility.

Growing up: Chapter 1

One of the big, exciting qualities of apartment life is having a big kitchen. Because grown ups use a kitchen. They make real meals, instead of microwavable styrofoam cups. They sit down and have dinner at a table. They know how to cook.

The only problem with my fantasy is that I actually have no idea how to prepare a meal, besides sandwiches and breakfast food. So I can wake you up with waffles, easily, but when it comes to dinner time all I can offer is reheated Pizza.

Enter the boy roommates from downstairs! We spent the evening making garlic chicken with alfredo noodles. I nearly burnt down the kitchen, after putting my pan over the lit stove without having taken off the paper label underneath. Luckily Matt noticed the smoke within the first few seconds, so we were able to save everything- but after that, I wasn't allowed to cook without supervision.

Regardless, we made an excellent meal, and I learned a lot- Doug has an adorable little Italian Armenian grandmother inside him, dying to get out. I made them sit down at the table and we had a nice dinner together, just like in my fantasy adult world. It was really, really nice. Then I did the dishes, Deeg dried, and we all sat down to watch a movie.

I believe in creating a community.

Take Your Time

I believe in forgiving everyone.

Lost in Translation

Being both an English minor and Communications major, I love finding things like these. I stumbled on a website of these, check it out: 

Here are my top ten words, compiled from online collections, to describe love, desire and relationships that have no real English translation, but that capture subtle realities that even we English speakers have felt once or twice. As I came across these words I’d have the occasional epiphany: “Oh yeah! That’s what I was feeling...” 

Mamihlapinatapei (Yagan, an indigenous language of Tierra del Fuego): The wordless yet meaningful look shared by two people who desire to initiate something, but are both reluctant to start. 

Oh yes, this is an exquisite word, compressing a thrilling and scary relationship moment. It’s that delicious, cusp-y moment of imminent seduction. Neither of you has mustered the courage to make a move, yet. Hands haven’t been placed on knees; you’ve not kissed. But you’ve both conveyed enough to know that it willhappen soon… very soon.

Yuanfen (Chinese): A relationship by fate or destiny. This is a complex concept. It draws on principles of predetermination in Chinese culture, which dictate relationships, encounters and affinities, mostly among lovers and friends.

From what I glean, in common usage yuanfen means the "binding force" that links two people together in any relationship. 

But interestingly, “fate” isn’t the same thing as “destiny.” Even if lovers are fated to find each other they may not end up together. The proverb, “have fate without destiny,” describes couples who meet, but who don’t stay together, for whatever reason. It’s interesting, to distinguish in love between the fated and the destined. Romantic comedies, of course, confound the two.

Cafuné (Brazilian Portuguese): The act of tenderly running your fingers through someone's hair.

Retrouvailles (French):  The happiness of meeting again after a long time. 

This is such a basic concept, and so familiar to the growing ranks of commuter relationships, or to a relationship of lovers, who see each other only periodically for intense bursts of pleasure. I’m surprised we don’t have any equivalent word for this subset of relationship bliss. It’s a handy one for modern life.

Ilunga (Bantu): A person who is willing to forgive abuse the first time; tolerate it the second time, but never a third time.

Apparently, in 2004, this word won the award as the world’s most difficult to translate. Although at first, I thought it did have a clear phrase equivalent in English: It’s the “three strikes and you’re out” policy. But ilunga conveys a subtler concept, because the feelings are different with each “strike.” The word elegantly conveys the progression toward intolerance, and the different shades of emotion that we feel at each stop along the way.

Ilunga captures what I’ve described as the shade of gray complexity in marriages—Not abusive marriages, but marriages that involve infidelity, for example.  We’ve got tolerance, within reason, and we’ve got gradations of tolerance, and for different reasons. And then, we have our limit. The English language to describe this state of limits and tolerance flattens out the complexity into black and white, or binary code. You put up with it, or you don’t.  You “stick it out,” or not.

Ilunga restores the gray scale, where many of us at least occasionally find ourselves in relationships, trying to love imperfect people who’ve failed us and whom we ourselves have failed.

La Douleur Exquise (French): The heart-wrenching pain of wanting someone you can’t have.

When I came across this word I thought of “unrequited” love. It’s not quite the same, though. “Unrequited love” describes a relationship state, but not a state of mind. Unrequited love encompasses the lover who isn’t reciprocating, as well as the lover who desires. La douleur exquise gets at the emotional heartache, specifically, of being the one whose love is unreciprocated.

Koi No Yokan (Japanese): The sense upon first meeting a person that the two of you are going to fall into love. 

This is different than “love at first sight,” since it implies that you might have a sense of imminent love, somewhere down the road, without yet feeling it. The term captures the intimation of inevitable love in the future, rather than the instant attraction implied by love at first sight.

Ya’aburnee (Arabic): “You bury me.” It’s a declaration of one’s hope that they’ll die before another person, because of how difficult it would be to live without them.

The online dictionary that lists this word calls it “morbid and beautiful.” It’s the “How Could I Live Without You?” slickly insincere cliché of dating, polished into a more earnest, poetic term.  

Forelsket: (Norwegian):  The euphoria you experience when you’re first falling in love.

This is a wonderful term for that blissful state, when all your senses are acute for the beloved, the pins and needles thrill of the novelty. There’s a phrase in English for this, but it’s clunky. It’s “New Relationship Energy,” or NRE.

  

Saudade (Portuguese): The feeling of longing for someone that you love and is lost. Another linguist describes it as a "vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist."

It’s interesting that saudade accommodates in one word the haunting desire for a lost love, or for an imaginary, impossible, never-to-be-experienced love. Whether the object has been lost or will never exist, it feels the same to the seeker, and leaves her in the same place:  She has a desire with no future. Saudade doesn’t distinguish between a ghost, and a fantasy. Nor do our broken hearts, much of the time.


I believe in finding the right words.

Best Friends

This is my best friend, maggles. She always has my back. No matter what.

So when I get sad and weepy, even though we can't always get to each other, she comes through anyway. We've turned into email best friends, instead of best friends who get to be around each other all the time, but that's just how life goes sometimes.

No one can tell me to put on my big girl pants and stop being so fucking sad because I am an awesome person, quite like my best friend can.

well, I guess one other person. Burt's usually pretty good with that, too. So maybe I'll dedicate a blog out to him sometime soon. But right now, it's Maggie that found me and pushed me back up.

I believe in support systems.

Augusten Burroughs

...my new obsession. I just finished Running with Scissors (although this is a quote from a different book; they're all just so good and twisted and clever, but most importantly, quotable.)

“I'm lonely. And I'm lonely in some horribly deep way and for a flash of an instant, I can see just how lonely, and how deep this feeling runs. And it scares the shit out of me to be this lonely because it seems catastrophic.”

I believe I can overcome September.

Update

I am so, so happy. I feel like finally, things are becoming how I want them to be, and I am grateful for that. I appreciate the hard work it took to get to this moment, right now.

Things that are making me happy:
1. That so many of my friends, in a desperate act to bring my mood up when it starts to falter, have been posting Manatee-esque pictures/comments on my facebook wall. This one is my absolute favorite:

2. Finally being honest with myself in what I want- this is important, and probably most important.

3. Getting to spend time with people I haven't seen in forever, and catching up on their lives. I like getting reconnected, and it's fun to see how different people have changed. Although I still am not really ready for my friends to be getting married, happy as I am for them. 

4. Barbara and Nick (not my peer group, so not scary) are getting married! I'm excited for them, I'm excited to be a bridesmaid, I'm excited for all of it. 

5.  I am going back to Cleveland soon! In some ways, it's a little bittersweet to be leaving Franklin right now, but I'm ready to see my friends and get into my apartment. I want to go do things again. I know that's vague and ambiguous- but when I came home from Europe, I promised myself I would continue to live in the way I did there- consciously searching out life, rather than sitting at home on facebook. I've gotten much better with my facebook addiction (thank you google chrome, for stayfocusd), and I finally feel like I live in the real worl again. The trouble is, there is just so much more world in Cleveland! I'm not creative enough to think of fun things to do in Franklin anymore, but Cleveland makes it easy on me. 

Working for It

I believe happiness- true, unmotivated by anything but your own feelings, want to just thank the sun for shining today happiness- is something you have to work for.

I have my own hurdles that make it sometimes a little harder than it should be. But I also have a lot more extra help than some people do. And for that, I'm thankful.

For once, I think I know what I need to do. I know that it won't be easy, and that it will hurt sometimes. But I'm realizing, finally, that there is a difference between being happy, and not being unhappy. That there is long term happiness, and short term pleasure, and that sometimes you have to give up that pleasure for the happiness. But it will be worth it.

CS Lewis says it this way:

"We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.” 

And yes, he's referring more about the difference between heaven and earth, but I think it still applies to what I'm doing right now. I can't imagine how happy I could be, but I need to trust that it will be better and that it will be worth it.

It's time to take responsibility for my life, and to push it where I want it to go. To forgive myself, and move on. To allow myself to be me, and not feel like I constantly need to apologize.

Does this sound like a middle school myspace post? Maybe. Maybe it just took me longer to finally figured out what all this really entailed, that it wasn't just something you said, but something you lived and meant.

But I believe in working towards happiness.

Money

Growing up, almost all of my friends had more money than me. Not because we were left for want- we had plenty. I have my own bedroom, we had a pool, always went on a family vacation. But I hung out with the doctors and lawyers' kids, and so in comparison, I wasn't as well off. 

When I got to high school, that dynamic changed a little. I made my own money, and I picked and chose what to spend it on. So maybe I didn't have a car, but I did have a nice laptop. Stuff like that. But I never had NOTHING. Even with the friends who had more with me, I never felt completely left out. Maybe I couldn't go on weekend adventures, but I could at least go to the movies.

Now, not so much.

This summer it's finally hitting me how incredibly in debt I am. I am that girl that won't come over because she can't afford the gas. I'm the girl with the shitty present at the party, because all I could do was make something homemade. That's where I have the most shame- when I feel like I've been slacking, and everyone else is looking at me like I didn't try hard enough. I know I shouldn't care. But I also am finally learning what the look is, the one that means "oh, you couldn't afford to do this right, could you?". I'm the girl that pays in change she found in her car, or just sits at home and blogs while the rest of her friends are out getting ice cream.

I'm working two jobs this summer. Next semester, I have two jobs and an internship. I have a few scholarships. I live on campus, and when I don't, I live with my parents. I think that's what is most frustrating-  that I am trying, so desperately, to keep up- and I just can't.

Something is going to have to drop. I have been living off gift certificates for a while, still giving me the opportunity to go out to eat with friends. But I'm running out, and feeling like I'm being left behind in the process. I'm carrying a balance in my credit card, something I promised myself I would never do. Weddings, Birthdays, Rats, College, Greek Life... reality. Something has to change, or just be let go completely. Am I going to be that girl that has to transfer schools? Or puts her pets up for adoption because she can't be financially responsible? That kills. 

I know. Whine whine. This isn't what I wanted this blog to be for, and I realize it's a little uncharacteristic. Opposite of where I'm trying to be, mentally. But I'm just so frustrated. 

I believe in making sacrifices. I just don't know which ones to make.

Eat, Pray, Love

No, I'm not quite finished with it yet. But I really, really love this quote, and I don't want to lose it.

“Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be.”

Weight Loss

Is a powerful thing.

This is my body, and I'm taking responsibility for it. I'm using food as a medicine and a fuel. I'm using exercise to keep myself healthy. I'm stretching. Getting up early, going to bed on time.

I'm viewing my body as both a tool, and a vessel. You only get one. I may not be able to run miles, but I am stronger than I was, and I'm not afraid to sweat. I'm starting to actually enjoy my workouts, and I love the feeling afterwards.

As a result, this summer I've lost, officially, 15 pounds :)

About 7 of those was extra Italy weight. The rest, just getting trim and healthy. I don't notice much of a difference, really- not visually. But I feel better. I feel good about my commitment, I feel strong and healthy, and I feel capable. I've finally done this. I have proven that it is possible for me to lose weight, in a healthy way, and without going overboard.

I believe in self discipline.

She's Always a Woman -Billy Joel

Oh--she takes care of herself, 
She can wait if she wants,
She's ahead of her time.
Oh--and she never gives out, 
And she never gives in,
She just changes her mind.

Strength- Picture of the Day

I found this in a slideshow of pictures of the Maroon Wall that protected a soldier's funeral from the Westboro Baptist Church.

I believe in people coming together.

Pride

I'm struggling with the idea of it, lately. Namely, in the Penn State sex scandal.

I say Penn State, because I do believe there are more individuals responsible than Sandusky. He caused the crime, but not the scandal. I don't believe it was all JoePa- however, I struggle with that as well. People say he was a good man, responsible, had integrity. These are values I attribute to my father- and I can't imagine him ever letting something like this happening. When my dad didn't like how students were treated in our school district, he joined the school board and made his opinions known, even when they were wildly unpopular. He did this because he has a firm sense of justice, one that he instilled in me.

Yes, they were superficial things, and much less serious. But doesn't that make it even more important? I can't picture a world where my dad would ever let something like this happen, and that's why I think of him as someone to look up to. Because even when it mattered- especially when it mattered- he would act. The world is not black or white, but I have a hard time with "integrity" not being synonymous with "strive for justice".

But my problem isn't with the JoePa debate. It isn't any one person's fault, but in that way- it is everyone's fault. Anyone that knew should have done more. It didn't have to be Joe. But in needed to be someone. And in that way, it is everyone and no one's fault.

Back to pride.

People proudly beating their chests, pronouncing that they will still be PENN STATE, and persevere, and not let this change them- that seems wrong to me, too. Because something was wrong. Something in this culture made it okay to doubt the severity of children being molested, to hesitate in acting against it. I don't believe Penn State is an evil, inhuman, single valued society. That's a gross exaggeration.

But I do believe that even a hint of hesitation is an indication of something very, very wrong. And when that hesitation turns to inaction- there is a certainty. There has been a perversion of morals.

So to say that they will not let this change them- that seems even worse. We have been privy to a direct example of the consequences that can follow. We have the benefit of hindsight now. So why refuse to change? After all of this has happened- why allow this culture to continue?

I think pride would be in acknowledging what has gone wrong, and striving to fix it.

I don't know the answer. I don't think people should be hiding their heads in shame, and I definitely don't think they should stop supporting their team. But something should change. This revelation should mean something, should indicate some need for a revolution of sorts.

I believe there is pride in learning from mistakes and evolving from them.

Quote: Love

"The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them"
-Thomas Merton

I believe in accepting, then loving, each other's differences.

29 Gifts -Cami Walker

From the book jacket:

At age 33 Cami Walker was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis and the life she knew changed forever. Then, as a remedy for her condition, she received an uncommon prescription from a friend, an African medicine woman named Mbali Creazzo: Give away 29 gifts in 29 days. Cami was amazed by what unfolded during her month-long journey.

This isn't a book I would pick quotes out of; it's a book to live through every word. It's not spectacularly written by any means, but the message is an important one; to give, and live a life in awareness of your abundance, rather than to focus on your scarcity. To learn to appreciate the people in your life.

The book was just the first step in a movement of gift giving that started with this woman. Now you can join an online community and participate- almost like a "pay it forward" kind of program.

The book is a really quick read, but even if you don't have time to go through the whole thing- I would still urge you to check out the website and see what it's all about.

www.29gifts.org

I believe in giving.

18 Reasons why My Brother is Awesome

The big day is finally here, when my 6'7'' baby brother is finally an adult. In the spirit of remembering to cherish people for the short time you spend with them, here are 18 reasons why Harrison is fabulous:

1. He is so freakishly tall. While he really had nothing to do with that, it is still a very Harrison trait that makes him spectacular. Much like a bumble, he can reach all sorts of high places that I can't, and he never complains about having to get things for his height challenged sister. Also, he functions as an excellent periscope when trying to find people in crowns. He has the best vantage point of anyone.




2. He is so chill. Hardly anything bothers Harrison. We are polar opposites in this way, and it keeps me grounded to be around someone that is so rarely frazzled. He also hardly takes anything seriously, which is what makes him so fun to be around. My brother is a goof.



3. He started accommodating his obnoxious older sister from a very early age. I recall a time when I got presents during HIS birthday party because I was such a brat about not being center of attention. He never made a big deal about it. When I started dating his best friend- he just patiently let me hog the attention, again. Harry just slid into his position in the family as the low maintenance younger sibling, without any fuss.

4. He is super talented. He's learned all sorts of instruments just because he felt like it- he also has a really great singing voice.



5. He reads comic books, in a totally cool Seth Cohen way, as opposed to the creepy guy that lives in his parent's basement way. He also has seen every superhero movie with me, and explains how accurate they are, and who this bad guy is, and anything else you could ever possibly know. He is my superhero guru.



6. Harry is incredibly nurturing. I had some serious struggles going on in high school, and he had my back the whole time, regardless of if the enemy was my peers, my parents, or myself. Now he's friends with a girl with similar demons who he says is easy to take care of, because he had so much practice with me. He has a really big heart.

7. He is a champion pogo sticker. Seriously. He can juggle and bounce at the same time, and that is a serious skill. The uni cycling is still on hold.



8. He soaks up all sorts of information you wouldn't expect for him to know. Harry is really, really smart. Just within this summer, he's taught me physics and calculus beyond what I ever learned in high school. He even tried to teach me guitar. He also keeps up to date on current events and humors me when I try to have family debates about them during dinner. If he doesn't know something- he'll research it. He loves him some knowledge.

9. He was president of the band, and head trumpet player. I don't think that's a real title, but if Harrison wasn't on the field, you would know.



10. Harrison is my music guy. Anytime I need something new, he already has a playlist for me of suggestions he knows I'll love. He also set my mother up with spotify, so she can get in on the music sharing too. He's so dedicated to his Song of the Day, he once called the house when he was on a camping trip so that we could log into his facebook and post it for him. We've had to fill in several times after, because he refuses to disappoint.

11. He lets me take all sorts of ridiculous pictures of him when we're on family vacation. The only exception is pictures posed with stuffed animals, but even that can be negotiated.



12. He is super generous with his stuff, his friends, his food- anything. If you want something that is his, he shares it with you. He has never once complained about the car he never gets to use because I always have it- he just finds a way to do without.

13. He plays Skyrim in french, so he can learn a foreign language. He's picked up a strange vocabulary as a result. But seriously, how awesome is that?

14. He doesn't complain when I try to get him to go on adventures with me, and he's always fun to have around. He's my partner in crime, and king of mischief. He plays the best practical jokes, and loves a challenge.


This is him while we climbed Mt. Washinton. Scared face!


15. He takes care of my dog while I'm at school, even though he really doesn't like dogs and he never wanted one in the first place. He and Shakespeare are fine now, but he initially was not enthusiastic about me bringing a dog home. Now he probably spends more time with the dog then I do, and he never has once said anything about it.

16. He's going to his first choice school! He was torn between Clarion and Westminster, but he chose the one that's a little more unfamiliar, and I am so proud of him for that. He's going to be so good at college, and I can't wait to hear all about it. He's going to have such a good experience.

17. He dresses so nicely! I know this might seem like a silly thing, but a boy that wears collared shirts just to look good- that is pretty awesome of him. He doesn't complain, he enjoys getting dressed up. He also is a really good sport about my constantly searching for ugly ties.



18. He owns at being the little brother/best friend combination. He gives me lectures, but he also keeps my secrets. He gives great advice, from boys to video games to clothes or nutrition. He warns me when our parents are mad about something, and tag teams when I need help in an argument. He gives great hugs, but he gives just as good sarcastic remarks, because there is a time for both. Basically, my brother is an awesome brother, and now he is going to be awesome in an Adult way, which means he will only increase in his awesomeness.

Happy Birthday, Brudder!

              

       

Hong Kong, China

Fall 2013. Hong Kong Baptist University. I'm doing my best to make this happen.

http://www.coms.hkbu.edu.hk/web-orgc/web-orgc3.htm

I believe in stepping out of comfort zones (and continents).

5 things I should do less of

1. I hate texting. Sometimes, I'll be having a really informal conversation with someone via text, and I realize how incredibly time consuming it is, without having the ability to really say anything. I welcome talking to people I usually don't get to, but I prefer something more personal.

2. Getting on facebook. I have a serious addiction that leaves me without much of a life to speak of. I need to unplug myself, and start reaching out to people. "liking" a status is not the same as sitting down and having coffee with a person.

3. Late night snacks. I do so well on my diet/workout plan, right up until I work later and it's 10pm, and all we have is poptarts and pepperoni. I need to just have a nice glass of water and go to bed.

4. Snipping. I tend to get a little too sassy without even realizing it, generally to people who don't deserve it at all. Residual customer service fatigue is  not an excuse.

5. Getting disorganized in my schedule- my grandparents have dinner at the same time, every day. I need to start eating and taking my medicine on a more regimented schedule, and I think that would solve a lot of my problems. While I love my frequent small meals and my whimsical spontaneity, it's mostly just irresponsibility.

I believe in letting go of things that bring you down.

Euphoria

Having a sudden burst of sheer, euphoric happiness. It's serene, and finally a moment of peace-

And it scares the shit out of me. I have highs and lows, and that's not just a cynical attitude. But a really unexpected good mood often is an indication of some crazy to come.

I'm just going to enjoy this while it lasts, and let it be future Paige's problem. I don't need to turn it into self fulfilling prophecy, I just want to be prepared.

I believe in knowing yourself and your habits.

Affirmation of the Week:

I'm reading a book called 29 Gifts, which once I'll finish we'll talk about, but in it the author discusses Affirmations, and I've decided that I'm going to start having one every week. Something to focus on, and meditate with. I used to be so good at remembering to center myself, when I was practicing yoga, but I backslide when I go home. So, this week:

I am willing to let the past go and enjoy this present moment.

I believe in positive thinking.

Cooking

Something I am not good at.

I have a few problems with cooking. First, I'm picky. There really isn't a lot of variety to my diet, so trying to get all my nutrition is a struggle. You would think with such a small selection of choices, it would be easier, but no- I have the worst time just choosing what to eat. If my mom hasn't planned it for dinner, I have no idea how to come up with something more creative than a sandwich or cereal. Can I cook more than that? Yes. But I don't want to, and I don't want to make the decision. Usually because I'm so hungry by the time I realize I should have had dinner, I'd rather just have a quick bowl of cheerios.

I also have serious patience issues. I am a girl that likes to keep things moving. I hate waiting, and I hate being unproductive. So I don't have time for any silly "preheating" nonsense, which is why I am incapable of making slice and bake cookies. Once I'm finished with the mixing and the preparing, it goes in the oven, regardless of if it took me 5 or 20 minutes.

Then there's just ability. I really don't know how to cook a lot of food that I do like, but my plan this summer is to get better at that. So far I've learned chicken and cheeseburgers, which is pretty valuable to me. I'd like to learn spaghetti, but we'll get to that.

I'd really just like to marry a man that can cook. I can totally picture myself being that person that eats boxed dinners and breakfast foods for dinner week after week. It actually doesn't sound bad at all to me. But I realize a girl needs more than that, so I've been practicing to get as prepared as I can for apartment life next year.

I believe in accepting your weaknesses, but still trying.

People Talk

Almost Lifelike (my brother and his friends' band) just released a new demo, called "people talk". I don't know how to link bandpage on here, but maybe he can. Here's their facebook:

https://www.facebook.com/almostlifelike

In it, he and Alec basically announce who they are. Things like, I'm a Boyscout, I can't swim, I cried at the end of P.S. I love you, I play Magic... and so on.

They probably won't appreciate the connection, but in some ways, it made me think of Mean Girls- at the end, when they stand up and apologize to everyone, then do a trust fall. Only instead of apologizing, you're basically doing the opposite. You're saying "This is me, hope it's good enough for you".

It sounds really liberating, but I'm not sure I could do it. There are some pretty ugly things I've done, that I haven't even come to terms with myself, let alone sharing it with others. At the same time- why pretend?

I'm still chewing on the idea, and what I would say. But if you could proudly announce to the world who you are, faults and all- what would you include? What makes me, me? Because I have a lot of pieces that I only share with certain groups. Maybe finding my inner peace is just making those couple different slices of Paige one whole person.

Seems pretty legit.

I believe in being yourself, regardless of the aftermath. (this doesn't mean I am brave enough to do it)

Grown Up Problems

It used to be I would get so excited by the prospect of new gifts, and going shopping. Lately, my wish list has featured less ipods and fake spy gear, and more of these:



I mean seriously- a digital toaster? So new age! I don't really need one with four slots, but still.

And when did I stop worrying about the color options, and more about whether its bag-less or not? (PS- totally prefer no bag. Vacuuming around a rat cage 3 times a week just makes that inefficient).




I was always excited to grow up, but now I'm thinking maybe it isn't all that exciting. Yes, I can drive and have my own job- but I'm spending more money on utensils and dishware than on makeup and hair products. I guess this is adulthood.

But really. I'm excited to pick out my own plates, too. But that goes back to colors (not to mention, shapes. I always wanted square dishes!).

I believe it was time to move out of a dorm, and into an apartment.

Receiving Help

...is something I am not good at, anymore. I used to be TOO good at asking for help- now, I mostly do neither.

People like to talk about themselves. And even when people are talking to me, specifically with intentions of helping- I tend to turn the conversation towards them, and their life. (The one exception to this is Barbara, who I talk about myself with way more than I should, and never get to hear much about her life). I am excellent at distraction.

I need to not resent people that I perceive to have more support than me, because I reject my support.

But sometimes, most of the time- all the time; I don't want to talk about it.

Me from two years ago wouldn't even recognize me today. I'm not sure if she would be proud or disappointed.


I believe... I'm not sure. I believe I've tried both, and I'm not sure which extreme is better.

I probably believe in some mythical perfect space in the middle.

5 Things to Be Happy About

It was a long, exhausting day, but you know what? Those are the most important times to count your blessings.

1. I made it to work on time today; I had 15 minutes to get from Kmart to the Mall, and I needed to change in between- but I did it, and I'm proud. One less thing to worry about, and I feel seriously accomplished, because changing a shirt while you drive and try to eat a meal bar- that deserves some self recognition.

2. I got up early! I used to be a morning person, but then I went to college. I've decided I'm going to try to be out of bed by 8am every morning, because amazingly, days seem much longer when I do that.

3. Because I got up early, I went to the gym and had an awesome workout, which always makes me feel better through the rest of the day. I even tried a different machine than what I usually use, and it kicked my ass.

4. My mom made me scrambled eggs when I came home from work, since I hadn't had anything but a fiber bar and I need more protein in my life. I hardly ever get to eat what my mom cooks anymore, which is sad because its summer time, and I should be taking advantage of not cafeteria food. But tonight, I got a dinner from mom, made with love.

• Then, for an extra point (5a, we'll call it), we're watching HIMYM together. And it looks like Robin will be going to the mall.

5. I have an awesome discount at BBW, and I buy way too much stuff- but they also give me lots of things, too. Like a bottle of Malibu Heat lotion, because I won the project knowledge drawing. And then the aromatherapy candle was on sale, and I wanted a scentable for the car... so I left with a few prizes for myself :)


I believe in ending my day on a positive note.

BSA

I have always loved the boy scouts. My ex was (and still is) really involved, as well as his family, and I gained a lot of insight into the organization. They do really, really great things, and have the potential to make some great men. At this time, Alec is currently spending his summers taking groups of young men on week long camping trips, where they kayak, rock climb, cave, and repel, among lots of other really cool physically strenuous activities.

If you haven't kept up with what's going on in BSA right now, google it. It's too hard to find an unbiased source, or I would find one for you, but you really need to read a few to get an idea of what's happening.

    
I can tell you based on experience, these (above) people rock. Leaders of a group can not always serve as representatives to the members- so while I refer to it as "BSA", I'm thinking of those people in charge, not the caring and responsible boys I met at Custaloga Town.



Basically, they are holding on to the original policy that gay people are not allowed to join.  Which I just have so, so many feelings about, and after talking about it with our resident Eagle scout, have decided:

1. BSA is a private club, just like a fraternity, or the elks club, or anything else. They have the right to decide who and who is not permitted in their group, just like I am not allowed to join Alpha Kappa Alpha (an african american sorority).

• A lot of people are confused on the whys of their choosing this- it has a lot less to do with finances (although, Alec said this would be a huge deal), and more with religious beliefs. The boyscouts are teaching men to lead a Christian life [edit: they don't teach "christian" ideals specifically, but to be a member you do have to follow a religion, so no agnostics or atheists], with those religious morals and values. In my eyes, this is just another example of the church's problems with homosexuality. Perhaps we could make an Episcopalian boyscout group? :) Either way, the real issue is that they think homosexuals are bad people that don't apply to the moral code BSA tries to keep.

2. While it would cost  more to accommodate openly gay men, I don't think it is nearly as big of a deal as everyone is saying. I realize it would be a change, and that would be hard at first. But there are women on staff, and they just have separate tents. It would not be impossible. I think excluding an entire group because it would be hard or expensive if pretty lame, actually.

• I don't hold to the idea that every gay person is a pervert, and we need to protect the straight men and keep them separated. That's ridiculous. However, gay people are different than straight people, if only in that one little aspect. I don't think that's bad- but just like I would expect special accommodations because I'm a women, I think it's fair not just for the straight men, but for the gay ones too, to ask for separate lodging. They are special, and should be treated that way. My mother always said the most unfair thing you can do is treat everyone the same. I can't imagine how hard it would be at that age, and how uncomfortable it would be, if I had to sleep in a tent with boys. Realizing I'm not a gay teen going through puberty, maybe I'm off track here, but it just seems like it could save a lot of stress and angst. 

3. I think it royally stinks that a group that carries it's men from age 6 to 18, and then into adulthood, would bring sexuality into it as a certain standard they look for.  How many 6 year olds know their sexual preferences? Are you seriously suggesting that they can join, and they are good people, up until 12 or 13 when they become more self aware, and in that case they have to leave? There is enough humiliation and rejection during the middle school years, and so it seems doubly sad that they will be starting that part of their life with rejection not just from their peers, but from the adults that they were looking up to. This part is what enrages me more than anything.




I think maybe it's the culture that I hate the most. I understand wanting to know if your child is going on a camping trip with a gay adult- just like you might want to know if it is a woman. But that's where I draw the line. Because I don't think anyone should be ashamed of their sexuality, and no one has any right judging it. So sure, maybe they might want to know- but not because it matters. Truly, how big of a deal would it be for a mother to take a bunch of boys on a camping trip? Little to none, because you think of a mother as nurturing, and protective. So...why can't a gay dad be, too? Since when was sexuality an indication of perversion? To me, it's as important as gender. It exists, but it doesn't dictate who you are.

Alec and I agree, in the next few generations a lot of this will be phased out. In the meantime, all you can do is continue to act as a role model to show people that you will still be an open and loving individual, and hope that they will follow you in that path. That's what I'll be doing. I don't hate the boy scouts- they do some really, really great things. I think it's sad that they have such a black mark on an otherwise great organization, that I was proud of loving. But I do hope that they grow out of this when the rest of the world does.


I believe in growing out of old prejudices, and working towards, rather than rejecting, harmony in society.