Money

Growing up, almost all of my friends had more money than me. Not because we were left for want- we had plenty. I have my own bedroom, we had a pool, always went on a family vacation. But I hung out with the doctors and lawyers' kids, and so in comparison, I wasn't as well off. 

When I got to high school, that dynamic changed a little. I made my own money, and I picked and chose what to spend it on. So maybe I didn't have a car, but I did have a nice laptop. Stuff like that. But I never had NOTHING. Even with the friends who had more with me, I never felt completely left out. Maybe I couldn't go on weekend adventures, but I could at least go to the movies.

Now, not so much.

This summer it's finally hitting me how incredibly in debt I am. I am that girl that won't come over because she can't afford the gas. I'm the girl with the shitty present at the party, because all I could do was make something homemade. That's where I have the most shame- when I feel like I've been slacking, and everyone else is looking at me like I didn't try hard enough. I know I shouldn't care. But I also am finally learning what the look is, the one that means "oh, you couldn't afford to do this right, could you?". I'm the girl that pays in change she found in her car, or just sits at home and blogs while the rest of her friends are out getting ice cream.

I'm working two jobs this summer. Next semester, I have two jobs and an internship. I have a few scholarships. I live on campus, and when I don't, I live with my parents. I think that's what is most frustrating-  that I am trying, so desperately, to keep up- and I just can't.

Something is going to have to drop. I have been living off gift certificates for a while, still giving me the opportunity to go out to eat with friends. But I'm running out, and feeling like I'm being left behind in the process. I'm carrying a balance in my credit card, something I promised myself I would never do. Weddings, Birthdays, Rats, College, Greek Life... reality. Something has to change, or just be let go completely. Am I going to be that girl that has to transfer schools? Or puts her pets up for adoption because she can't be financially responsible? That kills. 

I know. Whine whine. This isn't what I wanted this blog to be for, and I realize it's a little uncharacteristic. Opposite of where I'm trying to be, mentally. But I'm just so frustrated. 

I believe in making sacrifices. I just don't know which ones to make.