2014 Bucket List

Here it is! This is the big year! The "you're-a-grownup-now-what-will-you-do-with-your-life" phase of my life!

1) Do one thing, every day, that scares me. Even more importantly, to never avoid something because of fear. I'm going to go to a krav maga class myself, I'm going to give blood, and I'm going to do some soul searching to see what other fears I have.

2) Watch the first 50 movies on AFI's list of top 100. (Is this a resolution? Or a task? Can a task be a resolution?)

3) Work on my empathy-- the balance is the important part. It's like I have a switch, and when it gets to be too much, I turn it off. In the past few years it seems I haven't figured out how to switch it back on. I'm not trying to overwhelm myself with it like it used to, but approaching things less clinically would do me some good.

4) Leave the country, at least once. Canada is cheating.

5) Either learn a second language, or write my damn book. Both of these things have been put off for too long.

6) Try foods that I think I don't like (which is basically everything) and work on having a more mature attitude towards food.

Otherwise, I'll figure it out as I go. I'm not big on short term commitments for long-term goals; I make a resolution every week to go to the gym, or every day to wake up and eat well, but I'm not going to decide that for myself 3 months in advance. I feel the same way about reading and keeping up with the news; I know I should do it, and saying I'll do it in January doesn't do me any good in July. So maybe what I need to do is make my goal for 2014 to be something like "continue to make commitments to myself."

yuck. maybe I should write hallmark cards.

Anyway, it's the new year, you're the same person, be good to all.
[mic drop.]

Random Assortment of Proud 2013 Moments

Backstage tour of The House of Blues

Turned 21, learned to take shots and drink beer, maintained that I prefer milkshakes

Sat on a guys' shoulders while a firehose pumped paint all over me. To techno music.

Dad challenged me to the top of the National Guard station. Challenge Accepted.

Being comfortable drawing cartoons with my date instead of dry humping on the dance floor.

Learned to find the value in being reckless.

Handled some difficult airline issues, and managed to argue a refund

2013: In review

I've searched back, and apparently there are no blog-documented resolutions for 2013, so I'll just have to go with what I've been working on.

I resolved to not be a crier, or driven by emotion-- in some ways, I succeeded. This year altogether, I cried 12 times. That feels like a pretty significant change compared to freshman year, when I cried that many times a week. I have no issue with other people crying, and I think it's a beautiful reaction. There's a vulnerability and honesty that comes from allowing other people to see you cry. But 2013 was my year to get tough, and I needed to weed out that vulnerability. And you know what? It felt good. Wanting to cry, and then asking myself "Is this really worth it?" made me realize that often, it isn't. Crying is a way to push the feelings out; it hurts, so you need release. This year I learned how to internalize those feelings and process them. Not in a "you need to get those feelings out or you'll explode!" kind of way. I'm not pretending to be tough, because I'm not. But allowing yourself to embrace the sadness, or frustration, and resolve to deal with it rather than be victim to it is a pretty empowering feeling.

Along with that, part of 2013 was to have less pity parties. Pity parties are a form of narcissism; you are so impressed with how miserable your situation is, you just want to wallow in it. So first, I stopped inviting people to my pity parties. There was no need for me to show off just how hard I had it (which was usually not that hard at all), and turn it into a competition. Then, I stopped allowing myself the attention. My really fabulous roommates helped with this; Becca taught me a lot about being proactive, and solving your problems rather than drowning in them, and Deeg refused to give me attention. While I still need the occasional time to myself, I don't expect anyone to notice or do anything about it, and I give a deadline for how long until I suck it up and move on.

Finally, my last resolution, which comes up every year: to be alive, instead of being undead. I feel pretty good about the year, looking back. I flew by myself for the first time. I went to a color rave. I learned how to drive in Cleveland (finally!) and did some volunteering. I danced for the cure. I took advantage of our awesome theater district, and got a role as an extra in Captain America (ok, I didn't actually get to go because of vacation, but still). I went on blind dates. I learned to run. I got more involved in service, and learned how to lead a bunch of sorority women. I took rock climbing lessons, and guitar lessons. I marked off one more on my list of part-time jobs. I conquered public transit. I made friends outside of Greek Life and made some pretty awesome connections in the English department.
Most importantly, I lived outside my comfort zone.

All in all, I feel pretty good about where I went in 2013. Resolutions for 2014 to come!

Stop Imagining.

“You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you'll escape one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present.” -John Green

Dance Marathon

Last year, I decided to participate in our Dance Marathon at BW to raise money for Pediatric Aids. This year, I'm doing it again, but this time I'm also helping organize the event by being part of the Steering Committee (it's like an exec council, but for an event). If you want, I wrote a blog post about the first time I participated, and it was pretty fresh off the experience: http://paigesdetermination.blogspot.com/2013/02/dance-marthon-2013.html

Our money is donated to the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric Aids Foundation, which has done a lot of really remarkable things in the past decade. I could talk about it for hours, but I won't, unless you ask me. :) One of the biggest things to know is that less than 2% of children are born with HIV in developed countries thanks to work that EGPAF has done (along with PEPFAR). We were also involved in giving grants to the doctors that put a Mississippi baby's HIV in remission in October, if you remember hearing about that in the news this year.

So what can I do? I dance. For 12 hours, I'll be on my feet to help raise money and awareness for our cause. What can you do? Donate! Every little bit helps tremendously. It only costs $19 to give a woman an HIV test that could help prevent her from passing it on to her child. For the same price as a DVD, 2 Cds, a Harry Potter book, or a few gallons of gas, you could change a child's life.

If you would like to donate, you can find my personal donor page here: http://support.pedaids.org/site/TR/Events/General?px=1363561&pg=personal&fr_id=1312

I would really appreciate anything you can give, even if it's just $5!

Divergent Clip- Continuity Error

They released this clip a few days ago, and it's driving me crazy. I've spent all this time getting excited about this movie, and the first clip they give us has an error in it? Boo, hiss. Also, of all the scenes to release, this seems silliest and most inconsequential. A warped society, a corrupt government, struggles for your identity, and you're marketing the love story? Yeesh. Anyway, let me know if you see the error. I know I'm totally nerding about this, and no one really cares, but what if this turns out to be City of Bones and a total disappointment? You only get one movie adaptation. We were lucky with Harry Potter and The Hunger Games, but the rest are getting left behind. Please don't waste the potential.

Hint: watch Four's hand when he goes to kiss Tris. 

Game of Thrones

I haven't written in a while, or even had a 3 things of the day, because my life has been consumed by the marathoning of Game of Thrones. I get too far sucked into female, first person YA dystopian trilogies (may seem oddly specific, but it's become the new popular thing. Hunger Games and Divergent forged some serious badass female paths). I needed to find something I liked, but wouldn't get a hangover from. Game of Thrones was on my list, and I can spend hours watching it without getting stuck.

So, that's what I've been up to! It's fun, because a friend of mine told me I reminded him of Daenerys, which meant nothing to me. But then I find out that she's a dainty flower turned fierce princess, so I'm all about that! And since a bunch of characters are going to die, it's also fun to text friends that have seen the whole thing and let them know where I am.

I am terrible with character names though, and there are a LOT to remember. I've mostly been able to keep up, but when I explained it to Harrison tonight my names were much easier to understand.

Character Names Include:
Bastard Son with the nice facial hair
Little Stark Cripple and his monk with a nice necklace
Homeless Tonks
Deuschy Pimp that loves the Lady
Guy that loves Daenerys
Brother that has Sex with his Sister and has good Hair
Draco Malfoy as Evil King

Writing

“The first step - especially for young people with energy and drive and talent, but not money - the first step to controlling your world is to control your culture. To model and demonstrate the kind of world you demand to live in. To write the books. Make the music. Shoot the films. Paint the art.” -Chuck Palahniuk

A Whole Lot of Feelings

1) I don't watch Duck Dynasty, I don't care that some old southern guy is anti-homosexual, and I'm also not surprised. A&E capitalized on the family being a bunch of rednecks and I think it's a little telling of how token the whole thing was, but I never watched it and I won't miss it.

2) I neither love nor hate anyone for being gay. I love people for who they are, and it frustrates me that there are so many Christians who are only willing to love based on the right criteria. It also frustrates me that apparently homosexuals are going to ruin God's kingdom, but it seems like mostly all they've done is expose how ugly Christians are willing to be to preserve their idea of what God wants.

2a) I don't know how you can be so certain of your understanding of the Bible that you are willing to hurt people for it. I may not be certain of everything God wants, but I think it is fair to assume he would prefer love over anger or judgement. For all you old testament Christians; if God wants to judge, fine, but I also don't really think that's our job. He might be a vengeful God, but he never asked for vengeful Christians. Either you're wrong because you love and accepted your neighbor, or you're wrong because you refused one of God's children access to a loving community. I'd rather explain the first one.


It's always a hard transition to come home to my conservative community full of Christians, many of whom are unaccepting of homosexuality, after being at a college of tolerance and understanding often fueled by atheists or agnostics. What is it about God that makes some people less willing to love others?

The Dentist, Zumba, and Canadians

1. The Dentist- It's a new guy, who is probably 8 years older than me at the most. There has been a nasty cavity on each side of my mouth (making it impossible to enjoy any type of sugary deliciousness without also feeling like I'm chewing on needles) since September, and I haven't been to the dentist since Sophomore year before I went abroad, so I went in knowing what to expect. What I did not expect was a stern talking to about choosing the type of candy I indulge in.

I think I was so unreasonably bothered by it because he told me the way a timid piano teacher tells you that you have to keep practicing the same song; I already know, and he knows I already know, but on formality he feels he needs to say it anyway. Don't patronize me, baby dentist. Then I had to fight with the dental hygienist over whether I could handle having both sides of my face numbed in the same day. Ergh. I know that it's my fault for having been dainty for so long that people are surprised when I'm not, but still. I had my wisdom teeth removed, I can get two cavities drilled in the same day. yeesh. I'm not going in twice.

2. Zumba- I went with mom today, and although I will always remain loyal to the instructor at school, I had plenty of fun. Highlights include Selena Gomez songs and not having to do Jillian Michael's workout today. Water is almost starting to fill the void where my salty snacks usually inhabit. Almost.

3. Michael Buble's Christmas Special- Does he rub anyone else the wrong way? I love his voice, but he just seems like an uber-deusch to me. Also, Canadians should not sing Elvis songs. They just should not.

Finished the Divergent Trilogy...

After I had a few hours to be upset about the ending, I've determined that Allegiant was a good book. No spoiler alerts, but if I hadn't been in denial the whole time it would have been predictable. It was right, the way Veronica Roth finished everything.

But the feels.

Unfinished Business

I tend to get really enthusiastic about projects, get halfway through, and then get enthusiastic about something else and let the first project sit. Sometimes for years. So I've decided my goal for Christmas break is to finish up some of those projects and tie up the loose ends that have been hanging over my head.

Project #1: The Afghan
I started making this stupid thing freshman year as a present to a boyfriend, and I still have two skeins of yarn that need knitted in. But this is my year. I can feel it.

Project #2: The Tshirt Quilt
I have the tshirts cut into squares, and I have them put on backing, but I don't know how to use my sewing machine. They've been sitting in a pile since last summer, waiting to be put together, but I need to finish it before graduation-- did I mention these were my high school tshirts? So once I finish them, I can start my college quilt.

Project #3: Lose Weight
I'm going to do a whole separate post on the subject, but last year I was not kind to my body, and it's been a process trying to get it back in shape. I'm 1/3 of the way there, and I'm hoping to be 2/3 of the way there by the end of Christmas break. 30 day shred, here I come.

Project #4: Find Something to do with my life
If one more person asks me what I'm doing after I graduate, I will scream.

Project #5: Write some Flash Fiction
The goal would be to have 5 rough pieces that I can use for my creative writing class next semester. I picture myself being an author someday, sitting down to my computer in some chic but affordable coffee shop (I don't even like coffee, so I don't know what I'll be doing there. Drinking water), and writing my bestselling novel. I say I can't do it now because I'm too busy with work, and school, and blah blah blah... Here I am, with 3 weeks of free time. I better have some writing to show for it.

10 Books that Shaped Who I am

This has been going around facebook, and I've been tagged a few times, but I'm a little intimidated. Only 10? Any 10 at all? No judgement? Well, ok then. Here they are, in no particular order.

Stargirl -Jerry Spinelli

“She was elusive. She was today. She was tomorrow. She was the faintest scent of a cactus flower, the flitting shadow of an elf owl. We did not know what to make of her. In our minds we tried to pin her to a cork board like a butterfly, but the pin merely went through and away she flew.”

Divergent -Veronica Roth

“Becoming fearless isn't the point. That's impossible. It's learning how to control your fear, and how to be free from it.”

Harriet the Spy -Louise Fitzhugh

"Everything bored her. She found that when she didn't have a notebook it was hard for her to think. The thoughts came slowly, as though they had to squeeze through a tiny door to get to her, whereas when she wrote, they flowed out faster than she could put them down."

Looking for Alaska -John Green     (As if I could really pick just one quote...)

“It always shocked me when I realized that I wasn’t the only person in the world who thought and felt such strange and awful things.”

The Perks of Being a Wallflower -Stephen Chbosky

“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.”

Wintergirls -Laurie Halse Anderson

“In one aspect, yes, I believe in ghosts, but we create them. We haunt ourselves.”

Invisible Monsters -Chuck Palahniuk

“When did the future switch from being a promise to being a threat?”

The Virgin Suicides -Jeffrey Eugenides

“Added to their loveliness was a new mysterious suffering, perfectly silent, visible in the blue puffiness beneath their eyes or the way they would sometimes stop in mid-stride, look down, and shake their heads as though disagreeing with life.”

 Slaughterhouse-Five -Kurt Vonnegut

"So it goes."

Edit: I can't believe I forgot Secret Life of Bees! I'm not going to add a quote, because you should just read the whole thing, but it needed to get at least an honorable mention.

22 Rules for Being a Lady in 2014; Thoughtcatalog

1. Master at least one dish that you can whip up on relatively short notice, for when you’re having people over and don’t want to be like, “There’s a box of stale Wheat Thins left if you want to fight over those.”

2. Hold doors for everyone, especially older people or people carrying heavy things.

3. Make plans with friends you haven’t seen in a while, and actually follow through with them. (This includes not scheduling things on a morning when you know you’re going to be too hungover to go anywhere.)

4. If one of your friends is a little too drunk to handle herself at the bar/club/house party, do the right thing and remain sober-ish enough to properly babysit and facilitate her trip home.

5. Do not assign moral value to food items, on your own plate or anyone else’s. A mozzarella stick is a mozzarella stick, and nothing more.

6. Always give someone the chance to make up for it if they’ve hurt your feelings, and the best way to start that process off is giving them the dignity of telling them how they hurt you. Ladies don’t subtweet, they earnestly reach out on Gchat.

7. Be happy for friends when they announce big life moments, such as engagement or pregnancy, if only on the surface. (Exceptions of course being made for situations that are seriously unhealthy or endangering.) When it comes time for your big moment, you’ll want the same kind of support.

8. Have at least one outfit in the closet for job interview, one for first date, and one for going home to see family (yours or someone else’s). The amount of headaches that can be spared by simply having a versatile blazer and pencil skirt at one’s disposal are incalculable.

9. Never disparage another woman for choosing and embracing the domestic/housewive/stay-at-home-mom life.

10. Never disparage another woman for choosing a really demanding career instead of family life, if that’s what she wants.

11. Keep a small bar in your apartment with the basics to make a few classic, tasty drinks for a small variety of tastes. There is a time and a place for having only a bottle of Mad Dog and some Boone’s in your cupboards, and that time is 19 years old.

12. Learn the worlds of options there are between “orthopedically criminal high heels” and “computer programmer running shoes.” Find something stylish that also works for your life and tastes.

13. Never base your feminism in telling other women what makes them a “good” or “bad” feminist. Being a good, compassionate person should be your only criteria, and wearing makeup or liking Sex and the City should not be an issue.

14. Keep fresh-cut flowers in your house.

15. Be a good hostess — learn how to make people feel comfortable and welcome in your house, and leave feeling like they got to be themselves.

16. Stop looking at marriage as the defining endeavor in a woman’s life, no matter how much it has been ingrained into you. It should neither be something you actively disdain, nor something you seek out with white-knuckled deadlines.

17. While you are not obligated to like any other woman strictly on the basis of being a woman, and there are certain things that are totally fair criticisms, her weight is never one of them.

18. Do not consume media which you know, before you even see it, is going to make you feel badly about yourself. If you watched the VS Fashion Show and spent the whole time liveblogging about how ugly and inadequate it made you feel, do not give it your mental health next year. It doesn’t deserve it.

19. Always have a backup plan.

20. Give other women compliments when they are sincere and non-selfish, because girl-on-girl compliments are the greatest thing and the mark of a true lady.

21. Do not hold gender-based expectations about who is “supposed” to pay for things. Everyone contribute, everyone do what they can, everyone take pleasure in being the one who gets to treat the other sometimes.

22. Be the one to kiss first sometimes, and don’t ever think that makes you weird or too forward. First kisses are too great a joy not to be shared by all genders

Inspiration for my Final Paper: Dorian Gray vs. Patrick Bateman

The Picture of Dorian Gray:

“You will always be fond of me. I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to commit.”

“I don't want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.”

“The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it, and your soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself, with desire for what its monstrous laws have made monstrous and unlawful.”

“There is no such thing as a good influence. Because to influence a person is to give him one's own soul. He does not think his natural thoughts, or burn with his natural passions. His virtures are not real to him. His sins, if there are such thing as sins, are borrowed. He becomes an echo of someone else's music, an actor of a part that has not been written for him.”

American Psycho:

“...there is an idea of a Patrick Bateman, some kind of abstraction, but there is no real me, only an entity, something illusory, and though I can hide my cold gaze and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable: I simply am not there.”

“Is evil something you are? Or is it something you do?”

“I felt lethal, on the verge of frenzy. My nightly bloodlust overflowed into my days and I had to leave the city. My mask of sanity was a victim of impending slippage. This was the bone season for me and I needed a vacation.”

Sherlock!

Top 5 Tips for Not Being a Shitty Person

Finals week brings out the ugly in some people. I know I tend to get grumpy and eat poorly, so I'm no better, but after talking to my college 101 class, here are my top 5 tips for getting through finals week and still having people that will miss you over vacation.

1. Finals Week is not a competition. If I say "I got two hours of sleep last night" the appropriate response is something like "I'm sorry, take a nap!" or "I didn't get much sleep either, we should skip How I Met your Mother tonight!" The appropriate response is not "At least you got two hours! I only got one!" or, even worse, "I wish I got sleep last night!" There is no competition here. Everyone's major has different requirements, we all have different commitments, and there is no winning in finals. There just is not. So if you feel yourself wanting to prove how much harder you have it, how much more tired you are, or how much longer you've gone without eating, go write in your diary.

2. It's even easier to not make it a competition if you don't complain. There is not one person in your university who doesn't have finals week when you have finals week. So whining on facebook or shrieking about how you JUST CAN'T is not going to win you any sympathy points. Everyone is just too damn busy dealing with their own finals week to feel bad for you about yours.

This is not to say you can't share your concerns with your friends, and celebrate your successes. There's a big difference between "I'm so tired, I'm so hungry, wahhh" and "I'm worried about my American Lit test because I haven't memorized all the Antebellum authors."

3. It is even easier not to complain when you take care of yourself! I know that eating poorly is my vice, so I make a point to get enough sleep and take vitamins. I don't function without sleep, so I make sure I get enough. If you're someone that can handle an all nighter and not be cranky the next day, more power to you! But if you also know you need to have your veggies, then make sure you get them. Just know your limits, and value your body enough to not push them. Yes, it is harder this week compared to most days, but we are all adults. In my case, complaining I didn't get enough sleep really translates to "I'm not grown up enough to take care of myself".

4. Keep perspective. No matter how well you do, you will be done with finals by the end of the week. You will forget what grade you get, or which questions you missed, or what you wrote in your essay. It's much harder to forget if someone was rude to you. Especially in a small college like mine, people are always around, and always watching. If you give the barista attitude, when interviews come for RAs, Orientation Leaders, or anything else on campus-- I guarantee she either will be a part of the process, or will know someone that is. And even if you don't remember why you were so cranky that day, she'll remember that you were, and be less inclined to give you the position. Finals week only has to last 4 days, if you don't do anything that will affect your reputation the following semesters.

5. Be kind. All these rules? We break them. We get irritated with each other, we're extra sensitive, and it's easy to snap at people when you don't mean to. Do your best to remember that everyone could use a little slack right now, and assume that they will feel better tomorrow. I think this is the one thing I don't appreciate enough in my new group of friends; when I'm feeling bitchy and tired, they just laugh at me. There are no grudges, just understanding.

I'm off to study some more. In only 4 days, I'll be home for Christmas!

Finals Week

I think I can. I think I can.

Christmas Gift Exchange!

My english major friends got together and did a Christmas party, complete with a secret Santa. I made Kayse a bouquet of flowers out of comic books (I wish I had taken a picture of it. I went through 9 episodes of 30 Rock while making it-- that's my unit of time now). Mitch got me a Kurt Vonnegut book and some sexy bookmarks:



My gentlemen.

There were some other awesome presents that went around, but I might steal the ideas to make gifts for other people that read this so I'm not revealing until later. The basic premise of every gift was some type of nerdy fandom, which further solidified that I've made the right friends.

Holy Matrimony, Batman

I promised myself I wouldn't become one of those bitter people that complain when their friends get married, and this isn't about to be that. But it's impossible not to be aware of the fact that it is candle pass season.

(For all you nongreeks, candle passes are a ritual that reveals either a lavaliering, engagement, sweethearting, or occasionally other "big news")

There have been multiple engagements this week, and my roommate is one perfect date away from coming home with a ring. I think in the back of my mind, I always kind of assumed I would graduate at least knowing who I would eventually marry, even if we weren't engaged. Not because college is some type of bachelor collecting environment, just because once I graduate I don't know how I'm going to meet anyone. Not that I won't, or I can't, just that it seems much more likely that I would do it in college rather than a coffee shop.

I don't dream about my wedding day, or the perfect wedding dress, or plan out my bridesmaids. When the time comes that will be fun, but for now I'm not daydreaming about it. I'm watching some TLC wedding dress show right now for the first time in years, and it all sounds very stressful.

[Although, note to Barbara: this girl just got a white dress with white polka dots on it, and I thought of you.]

Anyway, I'm mostly focusing on what's next, which for me, isn't getting married. I've finally decided where I want to be next year (Chicago! If I'm not teaching abroad, of course. Still getting those applications out.) and so instead of searching through dream dresses, I've been searching for apartments.

Not exactly candle pass worthy, and I don't think anyone outside of my immediate family cares, but I'm excited for me.

Meyers-Briggs

I retook the test after taking it freshman year, and I went from an INFJ to an INTJ, which came as very little surprise to me.

Some fun facts about my personality type:
- Only 2% of Americans are INTPs; only 1-3% of Females are INTJs. The woman who administered the test said specifically it is the T and the F (thinking vs feeling) that makes the difference; gender roles generally dictate men be thinkers, and women be feelers. Of the 15ish women in the room that had taken the test, only myself and one other sister were thinkers.

-Fictional Characters According to Pinterest: House, Sherlock, and Basil [all pretty much the same characters from different franchises] and Draco Malfoy

- Known as "The Mastermind" or "The Planner"

-Sometimes has trouble showing affection and can come off as arrogant due to their need for space and objective thinking

-When under a great deal of stress, the INTJ may become obsessed with mindless repetitive, sensate activities, such as over-drinking. They may also tend to become absorbed with minutia and details that they would not normally consider important to their overall goal

Etsy Loves of the Week: Nerd

Halloween

This is what I ended up with. You can't see it in the picture very well, but there was a gash across my throat and some pretty ugly eye makeup going on. Zombie Janis Joplin. Done.

3 Things

1. False eyelashes, when applied correctly, look pretty damn sultry. Adding that to the "someday I'll care enough to do that regularly' routine. Downside, you can look like a trampy rag doll if you put them on wrong. It's like lip liner for your eyes. 

2. Post-Modernism- YES. I have been waiting so long, and I finally get to do something other than 19th century literature. I just think it's ten times better when you say really bizarre, fucked up shit, but in the most beautiful and lyrical way. Yes, please. Give me more psychopaths with a mastery of syntax.

3. Halloween costumes-- really struggling. How can I be ironic enough that English majors will find me clever and not basic, but still recognizable to the general public, and remain attractive without totally disregarding modesty. I'm just asking for smart, funny, sexy type ideas. Is that so much to ask? Oh, and also cheap and easy. 

Rough Day

In Fiction and Addiction, the professor has made it clear that it's going to get heavier in subject matter. We've discussed the cycles of addictions, and the way people can get trapped in all sorts of things in a pretty terrifying way. We started with laudanum dropping, and ended up at how Freud thinks our dreams are manifestations of our wishes, and how that translates in our reading (even in scientifically, he was never very accurate). We've gone into PTSD, trauma, depression, mourning, loss-- tough class, is what I'm getting at.

Right now we're reading To the Lighthouse, which I'm absolutely loving and it's playing with my brain in all sorts of ways. He doesn't always go into the biographical information, because he doesn't want it clouding our analysis, but in this case he made an exception.

According to professor soul-suck (I actually like him a lot, I've just never had a professor that made me so enthusiastically joyless before) To the Lighthouse is Woolf's way of trying to write herself out of the spiraling depression she was trapped in, which makes it seem way more intimate now.

Taking that one step further, he read us the suicide note she left for her husband before she loaded her pockets with rocks and waded into a river. It's haunting.

Dearest, 

I feel certain I am going mad again. I feel we can’t go through another of those terrible times. And I shan’t recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can’t concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don’t think two people could have been happier till this terrible disease came. I can’t fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can’t even write this properly. I can’t read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that – everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can’t go on spoiling your life any longer. 

I don’t think two people could have been happier than we have been.
-V

It hits pretty close to home. Still trying to shake it off.

Call for Action.

I'm not going to do a long blog about this, or even discuss it.

But every time I read news about Rebecca Sedwick, I want to cry. I'm so frustrated with this system. I'm so tired of ugly people, and the people that become victims to that ugliness. I'm tired of parents that stand idly by, and allow their children to become monsters.

But mostly, I'm tired that we haven't actually found a way to solve this problem. 282,000 students a year are attacked in high school physically-- I don't trust that stats on how many are bullied, but this number speaks for itself. Suicide is still the leading cause of death in children under 14. In 2006, and I'm sure this number has risen, 216 children under 14 committed suicide. It's estimated that for every one, there are 10 attempted suicides.

We're working so hard to protect our children from gunmen, but their real risk is to each other.

Writing Motivation

So. Much. Writing.

Why can't there be a class on blogging? I could excel at that. Let me write creatively without the structure of an essay, and I could go for days. As it were, I'm starting to run out of ideas for short stories.

"Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep."

-Scott Adams

And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.
-Sylvia Plath

Raging.

I'm going to preface this by warning everyone what a stupid blog this will be.

Okay, you're prepared.

I'm tired of "sorority girls" being a thing. By "a thing," I mean an easy target to talk down on. Someone posted on twitter that being a sorority girl makes you less attractive. I don't care about the being attractive thing-- what bugs me is that somehow, it has become this wildly agreed upon opinion that everyone can hate on greek people, because they all are shallow and collectively suck and don't deserve the respect to not be stereotyped.

Everyone is first to defend the band kids, the emo kids, the music lovers, the hippy burn outs, nerds, gay people, minorities-- but when it's something people perceive as socially popular, than it just becomes cool to talk shit. It's the same issue I have with people talking smack on the rich business man-- since when did success become a bad thing?

Ok, there are a lot of answers to that question, but I just mean in a really grand scheme kind of way-- if I tell people I was raised poor (which I wasn't), I get more respect and admiration from people than if I say I was raised with money (which I also wasn't, at least until high school).

It's the negative thinking that "those people" (greeks, rich people, whatever) assume they're better than you, so it's ok for you to talk shit on them to even it out or something. Couldn't just let them go on having a positive attitude about themselves; because that translates to "stuck up," even though we preach and preach about having good self esteem. What we really mean is, you should have good self esteem if you feel badly about yourself, but once you become well adjusted and do start to like yourself, you should be more self deprecating and be brought down a peg. Because you don't deserve to feel good about yourself.

Mostly, you should just learn to be comfortable with yourself, and not bully your way to the top by telling other people they aren't as good as you. There's room for all of us up here.

Ungodly Hour

You know those songs that aren't that special, but they're in a tv show at a really pivotal moment so you have to cry when you hear it?

This is one of those.

It probably doesn't mean much if you don't know the characters, but this is where my heart goes. If you don't want to watch the whole thing, skip to the last two minutes.

Reasons Why I hate "We Can't Stop"

I started this list and had saved it for a rainy day, but after the VMAs now seems as good of time as any to post all the reasons "We Can't Stop" is the pits.

-Being vaguely lesbian is not the same as being edgy. That stopped being a thing in the 90s. Actually, it was never a thing, but it stopped being recognized then.

-You can't have your "I'm a woman now" debut by humping huge stuffed animals. Actually, there was nothing that rang even close to "I'm a woman now" in the performance or the video.
http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/what-miley-cyrus-was-trying-to-do-at-the-vmas-vs-what-miley

-Sticking your tongue out a lot reminds me not of Kiss or any other heavy rock star, but of the poses I used to make when my grandmother took my picture when I was a toddler.


-Saying "it's my mouth I can say what I want to" and all the other blah blah blah variations comes off as those obnoxious people that say "I can do what I want, America is a free country" when you ask them to stop pulling your hair. I know this is a nitpick point, because it isn't like any of her other songs are lyrical masterpieces, but this is the biggie for me. Maybe I'm just an old grouch, but all the teens out there (and I worked with a lot of them over the summer) love the song because it's a "let me be free to be me" song. I perceive it more as a bratty 5 year old than a liberated 20 something.

-Same with the "only God can judge me" line. Wrong. We are all judging you. These are all cliches that got used up in the 8th grade.

So that's all I have to say about that. Hating on child stars is pretty tired, and now hating on this particular song is as well, so no use going much into it. But seriously, I hate this song.

Maybe You Get Bad Customer Service because you're a Bad Customer

"And even if the powers that be at these corporate chains push this "customer is always right" crap because they've decided it's good business to placate horrible jerks, in the real world, outside the land of plastic chairs and soda fountains, adults who throw temper tantrums in public are never right about anything."

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/matt-walsh/bad-customer-service_b_3799574.html

Proposals, not packing

Ergh, the angst of repacking everything! Why did my apartment have to be so big? Why does my dorm room have to be so small??

Instead, I'm enjoying this video of my favorite youtube star (it's actually the only channel I subscribe to) proposing to his girlfriend at one of his big live broadcasts. Precious.

Being sick

It's the worst! I'm glad it happened before I moved back to school, though. That's a relief.

I'm all ache-y, my skin hurts, and I miss breathing.

But on the bright side, I figured out how to put gifs in my blog. So that's flashy.

Next Semester- Senior Year??

Originally, I had promised myself I wasn't going to be that senior that posts a status about it being their last first day of school, or weep at every big event, etc etc. But I've spent my whole college career trying not to make big deals about things, and not getting overly emotional. I haven't fully participated. I was a wall flower. So this year, I'm just going to embrace all those stupid lasts, and let myself enjoy it.

I never knew my great-grandbig, so we don't have any real traditions for that. But this year, I'm going to wear the "senior" crown on bid day. I'm going to be the old one. I realized, the new members I mentored last year- they're going to grow up and mentor these next women, and I'm mostly going to be on the sidelines watching. And that's pretty awesome. It's one circumstance where you can be nothing but proud to be a wallflower. 

A few goals, for the Fall:

1. I would really, really like to get a 4.0. I've never gotten one before, and I'm running out of time. I'm prepared to have a semester full of no social life, and full scholastic and leadership engagement. 

2. This is going to seem contradictory, but-- I want to say yes to more things. I want to DO more. I don't mean going out- I've played that scene, and it doesn't make me happy. I mean going to shows in Cleveland, and exploring downtown, and meeting new people. Last year, when I was a rho gamma, I went to a few club meetings just because I didn't have anything else to do, and that was pretty cool. I need to see more than greek life and yearbook.

3. Find my faith. It's somewhere, I'm pretty sure. I don't know if it's in the Episcopal church, or at our Thursday services, or the Methodist church, but I plan on finding out.

4. Learn to use the weight room. I'm so comfortable at the gym, but I've never crossed over to do the weights, and I need to just do that. Along with this goal, I want to run a 5k. I want to be a runner. 

5. Find a healthy routine! I'm going to get up early and have my orange juice while I read the news. I'm going to eat three meals, where I sit down and actually absorb nutrients. Less multitasking, more focus on what I'm doing. When I have a meeting, I'll be in that meeting. When I have class, I'll be in that class. I can juggle all the things I'm involved in, I'm positive. But it will all come down to focus!

Fall Semester, 2013. The beginning of the end. 

Best Friends, and The Yellow Crayon speech.

I couldn't find a video of this scene. But it's still precious. 

Willow: You can't stop this.

Xander: Yeah. I get that. It's just, where else am I gonna go? You've been my best friend my whole life. World gonna end, where else would I wanna be?

Willow: Is this the master plan? You're gonna stop me by telling me you love me?

Xander: Well, I was gonna walk you off a cliff and hand you an anvil, but it seemed kinda cartoony.

Willow: Still making jokes.

Xander: Well, I'm not joking. I know you're in pain. I can't imagine the pain you're in. And I know you're about to do something apocalyptically evil and stupid. And, hey, I still wanna hang! You're Willow.

Willow: Don't call me that!

Xander: The first day of kindergarten, you cried because you broke the yellow crayon and you were too afraid to tell anyone. You've come pretty far. Ending the world - not a terrific notion... But the thing is... yeah, I love you. I love crayon-breaky Willow and I love scary, veiny Willow. So if I'm goin' out, it's here. If you wanna kill the world, well, then start with me. I've earned that.

Willow: You think I won't?

Xander: It doesn't matter. I'll still love you.

Joss Whedon (Spoiler Alert)

I've been rewatching my way through Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and just finished the 6th season (I was exiled to my bed, thanks to a summer cold, so I've had some free time on my hands).

Joss Whedon, you are a dick. I used to love you. Now, I don't. You are a soul crushing, unimaginative, high school boy.

Whedon is known for killing off his characters. Killing Sheppard Book and Wash in Serenity? Pretty unnecesary. I get that we needed some sacrifice, but Jane would have been a perfect character to lose to war. Not Wash. You can make a good argument for Book needing to die to create some faith in Mal, but there were a lot of other ways to do that. Dr. Horrible? It's a fun comedy, that ends in a pretty dark place. Accidentally killing Penny, after he did all this work to prove how great he could be? Lame, Whedon. Way to completely change the tone of the movie in the last 5 minutes.

And then, we get to Buffy. Where he proves that he really has no concept of character development. To him, developing characters means making them more and more miserable, and breaking them down into shadows of their previous self. Everyone blames SMG for ending BtVS, but if Joss hadn't strayed so far from the character, I don't think she would have left. Turning her into this disillusioned, whiny, weirdly self destructive girl- that's not who we all fell in love with. Sure, she can get lost sometimes, but two full seasons of it? Wildly unnecessary. Everyone was ready for her to be done.

All the Angel drama season 2 was perfect. She was struggling, but she was true to herself and she did what she had to do. We all felt for her and cried with her. But at some point after that, she started to get self righteous and hard. There's that whole weird thing going on where apparently she doesn't really love Riley. Then she has to be the world's biggest brat about Dawn (who, admittedly, is also a huge pain in the ass).

Killing Joyce ruined Buffy. The character, not the show. Making her this weak, incapable character was so out of character. She should struggle. We should see her struggle. But this girl has died, killed her first love, and reversed several apocalypses. She can figure out how to pay bills. She can live life without an abusive relationship. Also, that sucked. Spike loved her, we could have just skipped all that drama and made it a healthy relationship. But no. It has to somehow be destructive.

Killing Tara? Rude. Just rude. I love having Willow be the bad ass, I love Xander saving the day...but it's like he started formulating what would be the most outrageously painful combination of loss he could manage.

There are other ways to get reactions out of your audience, and other ways to develop characters. That's really all I wanted to say.

Irrationally Angry

At work the other day, one of my coworkers was getting all riled up about something that I didn't feel was all that big of a deal. I reminded him that if he just had a positive attitude, it wouldn't be so bad-- generally my life philosophy. We're as happy as we make up our minds to be. Admittedly, I made up my mind to be a grouch for a good chunk of my life, so maybe that's why I found the value in a positive attitude.

It also has something to do with the tennis team. I was so awful, but because I kept the moral up and was generally in a ridiculously good mood, I was just as valuable as the people that could actually play tennis. It's not a universal law, but generally people will tolerate your inadequacies a lot more if you're incredibly friendly while being inadequate. Sometimes at work, I'm slow to make milkshakes, or I put mustard on a hot dog that needs ketchup. These mistakes are much more forgivable if you're smiling.

So while I just couldn't understand why he was getting so fussy about this seemingly small issue, he pointed out that I'm the first one to lose my temper when someone gets in my space. And that's true. For some people, not an issue- for me, I lose it. Everyone has their own sensitivities to certain things. We think about this a lot more in regards to sadness- no one can judge how deeply another person suffers. But what about understanding people's anger? Isn't that just as legitimate, that there are things that might seem petty to one person and inexcusable to another?

So I made a list of the things that make me angry:

1. People that are rude to their servers. Or just rude in general, actually.
2. Being ignored
3. Cinnamon gumballs-- seriously, I could rage for hours about these abominations
4. People getting in my way/space.
4a. Old people that stand in front of the doorway of walmart
4b. People that drive 30 on Pone Lane when I'm trying to get to work
5. When people say "when you put 60 girls together, there's going to be drama," or anything similar. Using your gender as an excuse to be a shitty person, and suggesting that it is BECAUSE of your gender that you are a shitty person, really does not fly with me.

Listed this way, most of these seem pretty legitimate to me (except #3, maybe. But until you've gotten that nasty surprise you really can't judge.). But my coworker felt that his button-pushers were equally legitimate. So this week, I'm going to make a conscious effort to recognize when one of these situations starts to happen, and try not to let it rile me up.

I believe in positive attitudes.

...even when the coleslaw explodes all over the shop.

Travel/Map Related Etsy Loves of the Week

Stick on wall decals aren't nearly as cool on cement block dorm rooms, but I'm sure I could find somewhere for it. Actually, it's so expensive that it would be more likely I would just save it for whatever apartment I end up in next year. 

I only own one wine glass, so it's not as though I'm in huge demand for wine glass charms, but they are cute. 

It's a map of New York City, as a bracelet cuff. Clever. I just picture this being really helpful to some lost heroine in a coming of age novel. 

Are compasses in? If not, they should be. I would really love to wear one and look like a fashionista rather than a boyscout. 

This is just awesome. It reminds me of the huge world atlas I had when I was a kid. 

It was so nice to be reunited with my roommates again, after months of separation! It seems insane that the last time we saw each other we were still in the apartments, and that will never happen again, but such is life. It always surprises me how every year, my close circle of friends changes dramatically.

Catching Fire

The more I watch "making of" videos for the first movie, the more excited I am for the second. The second one has a different director, so we'll see, but the first one was honestly the best movie adaptation for a book that I've ever seen. Way better than Harry Potter, even.

Trying to keep busy with other books until November. Why can't I live somewhere that would allow me to go to a premiere? That would be the coolest thing. Bucket listed.

Divergent -Veronica Roth

“Becoming fearless isn't the point. That's impossible. It's learning how to control your fear, and how to be free from it.”

Dear 18 year old Paige,

1) Stop panicking about college. Freshman year will suck, and you will be fine anyways. Spend lots of time in the English department and make friends there. Don't hide in your sorority.

2) Mom and Dad are not perfect. They'll figure it out on the way, just like you will. Just keep being an adult, and know that they'll work it out sooner rather than later. Be nice, though.

3) Don't buy a bunch of crap for your dorm. Just because you live in a dorm doesn't mean you have to run out and buy all the plastic shelves at walmart. Just take the essentials, and buy what you need when you get there. Do bring a microwave.

4) Knock it off with whatever you think you should be doing with boys. Trust me when I say- you are always more interesting and do more interesting things when you aren't worried about a boyfriend. It's time to expand on the list of things to be passionate about. Try travel, and writing. You'll like those just as much.
                        4a) Don't let boys buy you pets. Seriously. Just don't.

5) Recognize that everyone has problems, and yours are not any more special or painful. That isn't to say that they aren't legitimate, but they are not excuses to feel better than anyone else. Or to allow for unkind behavior. Get your shit together sooner than later, then help someone else with theirs.

6) Give up crying sooner. I promise you, there are maybe 3 or 4 times really worth crying until you turn 21. There are a lot better ways to cope, and you don't need the validation or attention. If you must cry, don't do it in front of people. Learn to take care of yourself.

7) It wouldn't hurt to get up a little earlier and put on some makeup while you watch the news. Drink some orange juice while you do it. These mornings are infinitely more therapeutic than you would expect.

8) Don't go to the high school stereotype party. Or go, but don't hold any alcohol. Or just stay in the house. Actually, ignore all that. Just save up a lot of money beforehand, and resolve yourself to tell mom and dad sooner.

9) Stay healthy. Recognize that your sugar addiction is going to be an issue your whole life, but the sooner you start to fight it the better. Be kind to yourself. Don't be afraid to go to yoga alone, you'll love it.

10) Remember to find time to do the things you did in high school that you loved. In 3 years, you'll be sad you didn't take more pictures, and shocked to realize your music taste has steadily declined.

Mini-Vacation

“We should meet in another life, we should meet in air, me and you.”

Boo, viruses

It is amazing how once your computer starts to fall apart (both on the outside, and from inside) it all goes downhill at an alarmingly fast rate.

I'm doing my best to combat all the damages, but it looks like I might have to bite the bullet and buy a new one earlier than I had originally anticipated.

Boo.

Book Hangovers:

A very real, powerful thing.

It's no secret, I'm moody. They give it a name- Manic Depression- and they treat it, but it mostly comes down to me having a hard time keeping my moods under control. If I were still a teenager it might be tragic and worthy of a one-season-tv-show. As it is, it's mostly boring and kind of a pain to deal with, both for me and other people.

One of the things that sets it off, more than anything, is withdrawal from a fictional universe. Doesn't have to be a book series, occasionally it's a TV show. But the part where I have to say goodbye to the characters and admit that none of it will continue is rough on me. If I didn't have cool friends in high school, I would have probably grown up to be one of those people that dress up and act out all their favorite books.

When I was little-- maybe 2nd or 3rd grade, I can't really remember-- my mom found me crying out of frustration, because I couldn't turn into a red-tailed hawk. I was so involved in my Animorphs series, that I completely lost control of what was reality. It goes beyond having an imagination, into a dangerous hopefulness that will ultimately lead to disappointment.

Obviously, I'm not sitting in my room crying that I'm not in the Hunger Games. Everyone's heard the joke:

Harry Potter fan: I want to go to Hogwarts!
Chronicles of Narnia Fan: I want to go to Narnia!
The Hunger Games fan: Nope, I'm good.

But I still get sucked in, and spend a day being in a weird mood. In some ways, it's a good thing. It helps motivate me to do things I always said I would do, like practice shooting again, or get in better shape, or learn nature survival. But there's always that balance that I struggle to keep.

I'm already feeling better than I did this morning, after reading the trilogy in 3 days and rewatching the movie (and the trailer for the second movie at least 4 times). But it does take some consideration, that at some point I became a person that was more attached to books, and more sympathetic to characters, than I am to real people.

I need to get my shit together. Moral of the story, reality checked.

Kayaking

Today I got up early and met my Aunt Lori and Uncle Tom at the boat launch, where OARS was doing a kayaking trip. They drove us to Utica and we spent the next 3 hours going down French Creek.

I'm not one for nature, but it was a really nice way to spend the day and I would definitely reccomend it to a friend, or for next time I bring someone from school back home with me. We saw lots of animals, it was a beautiful morning, and there were no major catastrophes.

I did take the rapids a little hard and ended up with a lot of water in my kayak, and Aunt Lori accidentally got hers stuck on a rock, but overall we did pretty well for having only been out a few times before. Next time I'd like to take my camera, but I got so wet I'm still a little nervous about the idea.

Either way, it was a lovely way to spend the morning!

Venting and My Lack of Bad-Assery

For a while, I considered trying to keep the drama out of my blog. Obviously that didn't happen. Here's the deal- if you piss me off, own it. And if you say something offensive, expect that I'm going to talk about it, or don't say it at all. I've taken too many journalism classes to offer immunity for stupidity.

My mom was upset when she found out that my brother was going to parties where parents were allowing alcohol. I don't really care either way, other than I think parents who buy alcohol for minors are kind of lame. It's one thing to give it to your kid, because that's your culture and I think the drinking age is ridiculous anyway. But to buy it for your kid's friends, behind their parent's back, is irresponsible and disrespectful.

Right. Back on track.

So apparently this woman found out that my mom was upset, and her response was "Well, Paige can certainly drink" somehow insinuating that my mother had no room to judge, and that made allowing minors to drink alcohol on her property not the issue.

We're going to skip over the part where argument ad hominem is the arguing style normally reserved for 5-year-olds and politicians, and get right to the part where I can certainly drink.

Franklin, let me defend myself:

When I went to Europe, I had less than 5 drinks the whole 6 weeks of being a legal drinking age. I was the minority in this respect. I pass no judgement on my classmates that did drink- it was Italy, and then it was France, and I probably would have too if I liked the taste of alcohol. But I didn't. I would rather sight see.

When I'm at school, people have to drag me out to parties because I'm too much of an introvert. I got in trouble after maybe my 3rd or 4th house party ever, and was pretty over that scene. I would rather not, thanks. I spent the whole semester not drinking, even though I was the only member of my group that was under 21. That made me for an exceptionally beneficial roommate, since I could drive us to taco bell.

For my 21st birthday, I made everyone promise I wouldn't have to take shots. I had a hissy fit, like a little bratty princess, because I had to do two. I went home early, still sober, more excited about going out with my mother and aunt and cousin when I got home. My mother has never been drunk in her life. She's never even had a hangover. So clearly, we were up for a real uproarious time.

Do I like to go to the bar? Yes. That's where my friends are, and that's where we make memories. Do I love Amaretto sours? Sure, but I've never had more than two in one night. Am I constantly sick, so I never really enjoy alcohol anyway? Mostly, which is why we had to cancel the bar crawl with my family.

So, I'm sorry to break it to you, but no, I am not a bad ass alcoholic. I reserve that title for my roommates, who proudly earned it. I'm not even a little bit of a rebel. I like wine. Girly, sweet, grape juice flavored wine. I'm very sorry to shatter the illusion, but I'm actually a square in librarian glasses that loves reading just as much as I look like I would.


I believe I'm more of a Tine Fey than a Lindsay Lohan.

Quote of the Day-

"This is lies. We are liars. Think about it. Why do people buy cards? It's not because they want to say how they feel. People buy cards because they can't say they feel or are afraid to. And we provide the service that let's them off the hook. You know what? I say to hell with it. Let's level with America. Or at least let them speak for themselves. Right?"

I love 500 Days of Summer, but not for Zoey D. This scene is just so good.

This post brought to you by the tacky Halmark cards I saw today, that reminded me of how much I love this one little piece of an otherwise mostly OK movie.

(...but really. Why would you give your husband a generic card, written by a stranger, as a way to say you love that he is the father of your child? Just say it, for Themis' sake.)

10 Great Things about my Dad

It's father's day, which is tough for me because I have the best dad in the world, but no good way to reward him for it. My brother and I always try to think of gifts, but he's hard to buy for. If we were to get anything good, the money we spend would mostly just make us that much further away from paying for college- so technically, any money I do have I owe back to him anyway and he's just being nice by not taking it yet. My mom suggested we make him something; when she had surgery, Harrison and I made a DVD of us singing and playing ukulele. It was pretty cute, but neither of us were up for that task this year.



So what am I good at? Knitting. Getting in trouble when it seems statistically unfair.Writing. Buffy the Vampire Slayer Trivia. Chicken Quesadillas.

Since only one of those talents seemed useful, I was going to write a letter, but that seemed unimpressive and lame. So instead, I'm dedicating this blog post to David Greene, father of the year.

10 Reasons Dave Greene is an Awesome Father:

1. He's so undeniably lovable! Little kids love him, puppies love him, my friends love him. It's funny, because his brother can come off as intimidating and scary (only if you don't know him- my uncle PAG is one of the biggest softies I know), but Dad is rarely anything but warm and inviting.

2. He handles stress like a pro. My mom and I are incredibly anxious women, and can make ourselves sick with worry. Dad is the opposite. When we drive in busy traffic, Mom will cower while Dad will just say "Well, we need to do it, so we just do." When we got a flat tire on the side of the highway, he just calmly fixed it and told us not to stand too close to the road. When I was a little girl, way before cell phones or walkie talkies, he and I got separated from Mom and Harrison in Disney world. Looking back, that could have been incredibly scary for 6 year old Paige, but all I remember from the ordeal is that we walked around in circles and I got to see a Parrot. I don't even really know how long we were separated- I think when he tells the story it's between half hour and an hour. But still. Totally calm in a crisis.



3. Dad carries joy with him and has the most positive attitude. He doesn't allow negative situations to get the better of him, and just shrugs it off and smiles. This is one of the most important qualities I learned from my father- when something is bad, it will just be a funny story to tell later, so it's not worth it to fuss. The more positive you are, the happier you are. He works some crazy ridiculous hours, but he never complains, because he just won't let that kind of negative thinking pollute his life. That's pretty cool.



4. He's a manager. Sometimes, this can be a huge pain in the ass, and you have to remind him ("you" here meaning his 21 year old daughter) to listen instead of just try to handle a situation.  And sometimes what you need is for someone to just tell you what to do. But when he does just listen, he's full of surprisingly sage wisdom. Once after a breakup, he came and told me about how boys were stupid but would be fine, and that life will go on, using his own life experience as a reference. He also handles situations with grace and poise, which is a remarkably valuable quality to have as the parent of Paige Greene. He somehow managed to both chide and comfort me at the same time when he called after discovering I was being summoned to the Berea court, and I cried after I got his voicemail responding to the email that revealed I had gotten a tattoo. Not because he yelled, or was mean, but because he made it clear that he loved me anyway and it was fine.

Often in our relationship, I do something wrong, give myself an ulcer worrying about it and how he will react, panic for a while about it, and then make myself sick. He will notice this, surprise me by being not all that mad, and remind me to knock it off. You would think after 21 years I would realize that Dad knows I'm a good kid, but for whatever reason I'm constantly trying to prove it and he's constantly reminding me not to. This means a lot to me, simply because he knows me well enough not to release his wrath- he knows I don't need it to learn from my mistakes, so he just doesn't. However, this may be directed to my fear of getting yelled at and/or punished by authority.



5. I have damaged 3 of my father's cars in the 4 short years I have had a driving license. Not only has he forgiven me, but he also doesn't use it against me. I dropped a bike handle THROUGH his corvette. Not on, like I dented it, but the whole thing went THROUGH the front of the car. While it's a good story now, he rarely brings it up unless I do first. There's no need to. (Although I will note, he really doesn't like me driving his Honda. But since he so generously allows me to use his Buick, it isn't a problem. And it's not like it would offend me either way. I'm not a great driver.)



6. Dad is a kid at heart. He buys little toys at Christmas for his nephews to play with (like hot wheels and toy soldiers). He watches Phineas and Ferb. He sings along to Thriftshop. He tells me stories about dragons, and saving my from skinned knees. I catch him having polite conversations with my pet rat. He's a goofball, and that's what makes him so genuinely fun to be around!



7. Dad once told me to stand up straight and be proud of who I am (sort of. If you're a Greene, you'll know what I'm talking about. If not, you kind of had to be there.) Sometimes at school when I just feel lost, I remember the kind of person my dad sees me as, and know that I can be proud of that person. Having someone that loves you and sees you the way my dad does- as both his little girl and a woman that has to make grown up choices- makes it easier to somehow mesh all those personalities and stay true to myself.



8. Dad is incredibly selfless. He just wants everyone to be happy, and he loves his family so much-- one time, we were on vacation in North Carolina and I was just  tired and grumpy and sick and miserable. We went to a sea food restaurant, and I didn't complain but was fairly unhappy (because I'm a picky brat, and I hate sea food). Next thing I know, Dad has disappeared-- and comes back with a Burger King bag of chicken nuggets for me. It may seem silly, but it's the little things like that that make me love my dad that much more. If there's something he can do to make you happy, he does it. Now that I'm older and trying to be less dainty, sometimes I notice that he and I tiptoe around each other- me to try to keep from upsetting him, and him to keep from upsetting me. But neither one of us really did anything to upset the other. When we went to Maine, he told me he wouldn't be mad if I didn't use the fishing license he got me, not because he cared either way, but because he knew I was worried about HIM being upset if I didn't use it. He just wants everyone to be happy.



9. My dad is a super hard worker. He had kind of a slow start when it came to getting a degree, but he really is the American Dream, Work Hard and It Will Pay Off story. So not only have I learned his determination, but some basic professional etiquette. He's like my own personal career services, and can help me with all my business world questions. I've even had a friend call him to ask what interview questions she should anticipate for a job she was applying for, and what the best answers were. I know how to market myself to employers and what makes a good employee, because my dad started there and worked his way up. It's true, he gets a little surly if we're running late, but because of that I'm always in class or meetings 5 minutes early.



10. He married my mom! This is probably the best thing my Dad ever did for me. He loves and supports her, and they make a great team. While it seems like a no-brainer, if my parents weren't together it would be pretty devastating, so I think it deserves mention. My mom gets some flack from people for deciding to be a stay home, but it's always been clear that our family dynamic is perfect just the way it is. She helps to remind him to listen more and manage less, and he helps her to remember not to sweat the small stuff, and they both remind Harrison and I that marriage is hard, and loving someone means it's worth the work, not that there won't be any. I have some stellar parents that make for great role models on how to love, and I could not be prouder.




So here's to my trumpet playing, old car loving, early rising, almost-libertarian-but-mostly-republican, fun chasing, bright-orange-shirt-wearing father. I love you!

The Mortal Instruments

You know how you can get sucked into a series, because it creates this world and these characters and you get so attached that at some point you don't want to leave? That was The Mortal Instruments for me. I don't think I've been so attached to a series since Harry Potter. I could fangirl all over it, but instead, I'm just going to throw out some quotes and wait patiently for the last book to come out. If you haven't read it, it probably won't make as much sense, because the characters are just as important as the plot. But love it anyway.



“If there were such a thing as terminal literalism, you'd have died in childhood.”

“The more you try to crush your true nature, the more it will control you. Be what you are. No one who really loves you will stop.”

“To love is to destroy. To be loved is to be the destroyed.”

“That's why when major bad-asses greet each other in movies, they don't say anything, they just nod. The nod means, 'I' am a bad-ass, and I recognize that you, too, are a bad-ass,' but they don't say anything because they're Wolverine and Magneto and it would mess up their vibe to explain.”

"I am a man" he told her, "and men do not consume pink beverages. Get thee gone woman, and bring me something brown."

"Maybe that was why she couldn't cry, she realized, staring dry-eyed at the ceiling. Because what was the point in crying when there was no one there to comfort you? And what was worse, when you couldn't even comfort yourself?"

I know this is a terrible compilation, but I'm so invested in it right now it breaks my heart to get sucked back in. Watch the trailer for the movie, and leave me to my book hangover.

Southern Vampire Series

I've been reading the Southern Vampire series by Charlaine Harris since my Aunt Sandy gave me the first book when I was in middle school (these are the books the HBO show True Blood is based off of, so it was a little racy for me at the time. Or maybe still is. I'm not sure.). They're kind of tawdry, but there's also this really interesting social commentary that creates a world where homosexuality is totally accepted, but instead it's vampires fighting for basic human rights. You watch them argue that they are tax paying citizens, and the frustration of their marriages only being legitimate in certain states, that kind of stuff. I'm not sure what it says that we're replacing gay people with vampires, but if you don't read too much into that, the basic premise is a pretty uniquely fun way to advocate gay rights.

Anyway, they (the books) were kind of terrible, but I loved them. Eventually they became so disorganized she had to get herself a continuity director, because she kept screwing up details in her story, but the writing was still pretty ok and she made some pretty awesome characters. There's something to be said for a woman who loves God and remains feminine and loving, but still isn't afraid to shoot someone. Maybe it's a weird sense of southern culture, but I like the idea of keeping your manners without taking shit.

Since it was a whole series that I finally finished, instead of a book, I'm just going to throw in the teaser for the next season of True Blood rather than add some quotes (although, the TV show is completely off the books now. The first season was pretty accurate, but now the only thing similar is a few of the characters).

Enjoy.

Things I learned Junior Year:

1. How to drive in Cleveland! I am most excited about this, because I came to BW specifically to enjoy the city, and then I never went there. Somewhere between perfect strangers offering us warm clothes waiting in line for the Captain America casting calls, and working Exxopolis, and seeing shows in the theater district, I fell in love with Cleveland. Next year, I will be spending way more time there.

2. The joy of Chicken Quesadillas. Seriously, what took me so long.

3. How to drag a breakup out as long and as painfully as possible. Somewhere in there also remains to be said that happiness is not the same as pleasure, and sometimes doing something that doesn't make you IMMEDIATELY happy is what you need to make you happier later.

4. The boring subject of independence. Seriously, if you have to talk about it as much as I did, you don't have it. I finally came to terms with the fact that yes, I only know how to love in an all-consuming way, but right now I just don't have the energy or motivation to go there. I don't half-ass relationships, and I'm just too lazy to want one right now. And that's ok.

5. How to do a shot- my birthday was painfully PG-13, so the next day my roommate sat me down with a shot glass and a bottle of water and we practiced. I still don't like them and won't be volunteering for any, but at least I won't look like a child. (But seriously. The way to my heart is with an amaretto sour, not tequila)

6. How to have guy friends again. I remember being a freshman and thinking it sucked that I didn't have the history I did with my friends at home, and not really being able to trust the guys I hung out with (my issue, not a reflection of their character). I also remember seeing upperclassmen with fraternity guys that they had been friends with since they were baby zetas, and wondering what it would be like to carry a friendship like that. 3 years later, and I've got it.

7. Sometimes, you just have to put on some mascara and go out, even when you'd rather sit at home and watch The OC. You don't remember the nights you got enough sleep.

8. But, sleep is seriously important if you aren't going to eat well. If you're going to have one terrible health habit, you don't get to slouch on the other ones. Pick one. I usually chose going to bed early and eating oreos for dinner. However, I also had to learn the hard way that it is possible for a 21 year old to seriously let herself go, and now I've got a lot of work to do. It's also allowed to me gain a different perspective; I was obviously not fat, and would kill to get the body I started the year with back. I don't know what I was complaining about. And for that matter, even with all the extra weight I put on, I can still be beautiful-- it just takes good taste and recognition that tube tops will no longer be my style (as if they ever were).

9. All of my first amendment rights, and that I want to be a bad ass journalist someday. The kind that people will want to murder, because what I have to say is so important. Veronica Guerin is my new hero.

10. How to rock climb! Kind of a strange thing to pick up, but I can now do all the knots and balay (sp?) for someone, and climb using all sorts of techniques. It's a really cool experience, to be high up in the air and trust that the person holding your rope won't drop you, and your coach isn't lying to you that you won't fall if you let go of the rock you're clutching. There are so many things that your body will tell you to do that is just wrong, and having the mental willpower to let go and do what you know will keep you moving is pretty cool. It's also a little unnerving, to realize that what your first reaction would be is just wrong, and that your body doesn't know as much as you think it should. I think I've always had this conception that my body would take care of me, and I would just snap into some type of consciousness that would allow my reactions to take control. But actually, that would be wrong. You have to know what you're doing, and sometimes that means doing the opposite of what feels like it would make sense.