I believe happiness- true, unmotivated by anything but your own feelings, want to just thank the sun for shining today happiness- is something you have to work for.
I have my own hurdles that make it sometimes a little harder than it should be. But I also have a lot more extra help than some people do. And for that, I'm thankful.
For once, I think I know what I need to do. I know that it won't be easy, and that it will hurt sometimes. But I'm realizing, finally, that there is a difference between being happy, and not being unhappy. That there is long term happiness, and short term pleasure, and that sometimes you have to give up that pleasure for the happiness. But it will be worth it.
CS Lewis says it this way:
"We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”
And yes, he's referring more about the difference between heaven and earth, but I think it still applies to what I'm doing right now. I can't imagine how happy I could be, but I need to trust that it will be better and that it will be worth it.
It's time to take responsibility for my life, and to push it where I want it to go. To forgive myself, and move on. To allow myself to be me, and not feel like I constantly need to apologize.
Does this sound like a middle school myspace post? Maybe. Maybe it just took me longer to finally figured out what all this really entailed, that it wasn't just something you said, but something you lived and meant.
But I believe in working towards happiness.
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